Taking a moment to appreciate Oscar Peterson

Jazz musician Oscar Peterson, one of the world’s most proficient pianists, was born in Montreal on August 15, 1925. He died last Sunday in Mississauga, a suburb of Toronto. He was 82.

Mr. Peterson recorded prolifically. In one three-year period, from 1950 to 1952, he released 25 albums, and he continued to record frequently throughout his life.

The musicians with whom Mr. Peterson played would fill an encyclopedia of jazz history. The list includes trumpeters Louis Armstrong, Roy Eldridge, Clark Terry and Dizzy Gillespie; guitarists Barney Kessel, Herb Ellis and Joe Pass; and bassist Ray Brown.

His accomplishments include fourteen Grammy awards, including a lifetime achievement award, and sixteen honorary degrees. He was the first living person other than a reigning monarch to be honored with a commemorative stamp by Canada Post.

I am listening to recordings that Mr. Peterson made in 1973, a year when many jazz musicians were exploring new sounds. By 1973, Joe Zawinul, who had recorded with Duke Ellington’s tenor saxophonist Ben Webster ten years earlier, was playing synthesizers in Weather Report; Chick Corea, who had played with Sarah Vaughn, Stan Getz and Blue Mitchell, had formed Return to Forever; and Herbie Hancock, Miles Davis’ former pianist, had recorded Head Hunters. Jazz was changing.

Oscar Peterson did not change. He preferred to play the music of Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart, and Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II.

The album I am listening to features violinist Stephane Grappelli, who was making records in France with Django Reinhardt in 1934, before Mr. Peterson’s tenth birthday. The songs that Mr. Peterson recorded with Grappelli—“Autumn Leaves,” “My Heart Stood Still,” “My One and Only Love”—have been recorded countless times, but Mr. Peterson’s recordings with Mr. Grappelli sound like none of the others. I have not found a record on which Mr. Peterson plays more exuberantly and, more than thirty years later, it is still a pleasure to hear.

Among Mr. Peterson’s other recordings are collections of songs by Cole Porter, George Gershwin and Irving Berlin.

Oscar Peterson chose to play good songs and played them extraordinarily well. That is not a bad way to spend a life, and his was a life worth remembering.

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At last, the ghost that has haunted us since 1964 has moved on

“Wait until 2050.”

These are not the words that anyone in New York wants to hear today, but no one leaving Connie Mack Stadium on a Sunday afternoon in 1964, exactly forty three years ago, said, “wait until 2007.”

The ghost of the 1964 Philadelphia Phillies has haunted this city’s streets, bars and all-night diners for decades. It has been seen riding the Market-Frankford El and buying magazines on Broad Street. It can be heard on call-in radio programs and its words have appeared in the Bulletin, the Daily News and the Inquirer.

Among the current players, only Jamie Moyer was alive forty three years ago when the failing Phils folded like an origami butterfly, yet when the team lost seven of ten games in August, the ghost emerged from the fog in the same way that the USS Eldridge supposedly appeared in the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard in 1943.

The 1964 Phillies were in first place for 112 days. On Thursday, September 17, they beat Don Drysdale and held a 6-½ game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals but one day later, their mojo hand went missing and, without it, they lost 12 of their next 15 games. When Jim Bunning, now a United States senator, beat the Cincinnati Reds on the last day of the season, it no longer mattered.

The 1964 Phillies fared somewhat better than the crew of the USS Eldridge—if nothing else, there were no reports of inexplicable madness or mysterious disappearances among the infielders, outfielders, catchers or pitchers—and the team began the 1965 season with more or less the same starting lineup. The manager, Gene Mauch, came back, as did Bunning, Dick Allen, Johnny Callison, Clay Dalrymple, Tony Gonzales, Chris Short, Tony Taylor, Bobby Wine and Rick Wise. Taylor and Wine eventually became coaches; Dallas Green and Pat Coralles became managers. Dallas Green is still the only Phillies manager to win a World Series, and Ruben Amaro’s son is an assistant general manager.

The ghost remained in the shadows, emerging periodically from the fog over the Delaware River near the docks, the warehouses and the shipyard.

Mitch Williams saw it, briefly, peripherally, during the 1993 World Series.

Only thirty eight pitchers have ever saved more games than Mitch Williams and only two have saved more games for the Phillies, but this thought did not comfort Williams when he lost the fourth game of the World Series and the death threats began to arrive. In the sixth game, the ghost watched Williams toss a pumpkin to Joe Carter in the bottom half of the ninth inning. Williams was traded to the Houston Astros less than six weeks after Carter’s three-run, game-winning, series-ending home run caromed off an outfield seat in Toronto’s SkyDome. Squirrels ate the pumpkin and the ghost was satisfied, at least temporarily. A few years later, Williams threw his last pitch as a member of the Atlantic City Surf.

The 2007 Mets were in first place for 140 days and held a seven-game lead on September 12 before the ghost appeared and the Mets lost twelve of their last seventeen games. (This might sound familiar.)

On Sunday morning, the Phillies and Mets had identical records. For the Phillies to reach the playoffs, Jamie Moyer—who probably does not remember a night in 1964 when a full moon rose over the fence at Connie Mack Stadium—needed to win. For the Mets to reach the playoffs, Tom Glavine had to win. Moyer did, Glavine didn’t and the ghost was gleeful.

In December 1988, Mitch Williams was part of an eight-player trade between the Texas Rangers and the Chicago Cubs. Williams went to the Cubs and Jamie Moyer went to the Rangers. If the Phillies reach the World Series this year, Moyer will pitch in at least one game. If Mitch Williams is watching, he will be thinking of a two ball, two strike pitch to Joe Carter. The ghost will not let him forget.

“Wait until 2050.”

These are not the words that anyone in New York wants to hear today.

Some ghosts linger longer than others, but a few facts are undeniable. Connie Mack Stadium is long gone; the Mets are going to hear a ghost whispering in their ears for the foreseeable future; and Cole Hamels, who was not alive forty three years ago, will throw the first pitch of a playoff game in South Philadelphia in a few hours.

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The 22 Most Corrupt Members of Congress

This is a list of the 22 most corrupt members of Congress compiled by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW).

A few observations. Note that over 80% are Republicans, including five in California (one being a presidential candidate) and three in both New Mexico and Alaska. These three states have half of the the most corrupt members of Congress. Well done, voters!)

The 22 Most Corrupt Members of Congress are:

Sen. Pete V. Domenici (R-NM)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)
Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK)
Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA)
Rep. John T. Doolittle (R-CA)
Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL)
Rep. Doc Hastings (R-WA)
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA)
Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-LA)
Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA)
Rep. Gary G. Miller (R-CA)
Rep. Alan B. Mollohan (D-WV)
Rep. Timothy F. Murphy (R-PA)
Rep. John P. Murtha (D-PA)
Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM)
Rep. Rick Renzi (R-AZ)
Rep. Harold Rogers (R-KY)
Rep. David Scott (D-GA)
Rep. Jerry Weller (R-IL)
Rep. Heather A. Wilson (R-NM)
Rep. Don Young (R-AK)

Dishonorable Mention:

Sen. Larry E. Craig (R-ID)
Sen. David Vitter (R-LA)

(Link: http://www.citizensforethics.org/)

New polls indicate that Thompson has either tied Giuliani or he hasn’t, or maybe he’s ahead

In the week since Sen. Fred Thompson announced his presidential candidacy on the “Tonight Show,” he has caught up with former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll. The poll shows Giuliani and Thompson in a statistical tie with Giuliani holding on to a 27% to 26% lead by his fingernails.

Thompson’s quick success has been remarkable, as his campaign has already had its share of problems including fundraising difficulties and staff defections. For a time, it was unclear whether Thompson would enter the race at all. Yet after only a few days, he is well positioned atop a crowded field of Republican candidates.

Or is he?

A USA Today/Gallup poll seems to describe a completely different race, one in which Thompson’s entrance has had little impact. According to the Gallup Poll, Giuliani still holds a 12-point lead, and the percentage of voters favoring Thompson has not changed significantly since his “Tonight Show” appearance.

How can two major polling organizations reach such different conclusions, particularly when both polls were conducted at the same time?

In truth, there may be no discrepancy at all. The Gallop poll has a margin of error of +/-5%. The CNN poll did not specify its margin of error; assume that it is also +/-5%. Suppose CNN underestimated Giuliani’s support and overestimated Thompson’s support. Give another 5% to Giuliani—within the margin of error—and take 5% from Thompson. The results are now almost identical to the Gallup poll’s, and they are consistent with other polls, such as a CBS/New York Times poll that also estimated Thompson’s support at 22%, five points behind Giuliani.

These are not the only recent polls that have reached incongruous conclusions.

A Brown University survey conducted at the same time as the CNN and Gallup polls found Sen. Hillary Clinton leading her closest competitor, Sen. Barack Obama, by 19%. However, the analysis failed to note that Clinton, supported by 35% of Rhode Island voters, is tied with “don’t know/no opinion.” That is a very high percentage of undecided voters. By comparison, only 8% of the people who responded to the CNN and Gallup polls had no opinion. With that many votes up for grabs, Clinton could win Rhode Island’s primary in a landslide, or the race could be competitive. But how is it that so many Rhode Island voters have no opinion?

Finally, a Rasmussen Reports survey released last week concluded that Clinton is the most electable of the Democratic candidates, at least in the eyes of Democratic voters. However, if being electable is defined as being able to beat the other party’s candidate, a somewhat different picture emerges. According to the survey, Edwards wins every general election match-up, usually with a wider margin of victory than Clinton’s. Edwards beats Giuliani by 8%, Thompson by 14%, Sen. John McCain by 4%, and Governor Mitt Romney by 11%. By comparison, Clinton beats Thompson by 4%, McCain by 2%, and Romney by 11%, while losing to Giuliani by 4%. Obama also loses to Giuliani, and his margin of victory over Thompson is only 4%. Therefore, by this standard, Edwards may actually be the most electable Democrat.

Rasmussen Reports just released its daily presidential tracking poll. It shows Giuliani’s support falling to 20% and gives Thompson an 8-point lead. Naturally, the mayor is considered the more electable candidate. Each new day brings a fresh perspective.

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Defending the border, wherever it is (or The Onion Farm Cattle Ranch War)

George W. Bush, October 2006: "It's what the people in this country want," Bush said. "They want to know that we are modernizing the border so we can better secure the border."

Perhaps one small step towards modernizing the border might be to find out where it is.

From AP:

U.S. border fence protrudes into Mexico

The 1.5-mile barrier along the U.S.-Mexico border was designed to keep cars from illegally crossing into the United States. There's just one problem: It was accidentally built on Mexican soil.

Now embarrassed border officials say the mistake could cost the federal government more than $3 million to fix.

The barrier was part of more than 15 miles of border fence built in 2000, stretching from the town of Columbus to an onion farm and cattle ranch.

James Johnson, whose onion farm is in the disputed area, said he thinks his forefathers may have started the confusion in the 19th century by placing a barbed-wire fence south of the border. No one discovered their error, and crews erecting the barrier may have used that fence as a guideline.

"It was a mistake made in the 1800s," Johnson said. "It is very difficult to make a straight line between two points in rugged and mountainous areas that are about two miles apart."

The Mexican government was notified and did what any landowner would do: They sent a note politely insisting that Mexico get its land back.

"Our country will continue insisting for the removal (of the fence) to be done as quickly as possible," the Foreign Relations Department said in a diplomatic missive to Washington.

When the barrier was built in 2000, the project was believed to cost about $500,000 a mile. Estimates to uproot and replace it range from $2.5 million to $3.5 million.

(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070629/ap_on_re_us/misplaced_barrier)

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The Very Threatening Kitty of Winnipeg

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

We can’t argue with that. Our postman has just withstood the formidable challenge of walking down a tree-lined street on a sunny day with low humidity to bring us mail. Notice that we did not say it was our mail. But we digress, more about that later.

Canada has had mail delivery for over 500 years. The Hapsburg Empire’s first Postmaster General, Franz von Taxis, was given the exclusive right to deliver the royal mail in 1506. (Incidentally, and this is true, mail was only delivered to paying customers. You didn't get your mail if you didn't pay von Taxis.) Dog sleds were used to deliver mail in the Yukon Territory.

After half a millennium, Canada’s mail delivery service has been thwarted by a kitty.

This is a quote from the Winnipeg Free Press: “Canada's postal system has stopped delivering mail to a home in Winnipeg, Manitoba, after a mail carrier was scared away by a "very threatening cat…"

The Very Threatening Cat, whose name is Shadow, is eight years old and has been declawed. Shadow’s owner says that Shadow "likes to eat and sleep and cuddle.”

The mail carrier’s fear is understandable. What could be more frightening than a sleepy cuddly declawed kitty?

More from the Winnipeg Free Press: “A Canada Post spokeswoman said the agency was concerned about the safety of its carriers, although it hoped for an amicable solution."

Canada's postal system hopes to negotiate an agreement with a cat amicably?

A word of advice for Canada’s postal system: negotiate with the cat in good faith, but get the agreement in writing. If the settlement includes a catnip mouse, your mail carrier may escape relatively unharmed. That is as amicable as it is going to get. If you wait too long, the cuddly declawed kitty may be asleep, and where does that leave the mail carrier?

The mail we received today is addressed to a lady who lives in a bungalow two blocks away. We have never met her but because we have her mail, we now know that she reads The New Yorker and prefers John and Kira’s chocolates. We will deliver her mail this evening, after we feed the cat, and we expect that we will like her. John and Kira’s are really good chocolates.

Almost forgot to mention that the mayor of Winnipeg, home of the Very Threatening Kitty, is Sam Katz.

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For heaven’s sake, buy a new pair of pants, Mr. President

A friend sent us a photograph taken during the Queen’s recent visit to the United States. In the photograph, standing at the top of a staircase are, from left to right, Prince Philip, Laura Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, and George W. Bush. The Bushes are smiling.

Prince Philip is not. He clearly wants to be somewhere else and the expression on his face says that it doesn’t really matter where that somewhere else might be. He would prefer to be reading a biography of Winston Churchill, watching CSI: Miami, or having toes amputated. It wouldn’t matter to him. Laura Bush is wearing an aqua-colored dress that makes her look like a mermaid with hips as wide as a Greyhound bus.

The Queen is not smiling in this photograph. She is looking at W’s trousers. They don’t fit. Unless W’s legs have become two inches shorter, they are not his trousers. When we post the photo, look at his left leg. Either he hasn’t had them hemmed or he has borrowed pants from someone considerably taller.

This was the dinner menu:

Spring Pea Soup with Fernleaf Lavender
Chive Pizzelle with American Caviar

Newton Chardonnay “Unfiltered” 2004

Dover Sole Almondine
Roasted Artichokes, Pequillo Peppers and Olives

Saddle of Spring Lamb
Chanterelle Sauce
Fricassee of Baby Vegetables

Peter Michael “Les Pavots” 2003

Arugula, Savannah Mustard
and Mint Romaine

Champagne Dressing and Trio of Farmhouse Cheeses

“Rose Blossoms”

Schramsberg Brut Rosé 2004,

Mr. President, when you are having dinner with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, is it too much to ask that your trousers fit? Go upstairs and change your pants, and take your mermaid with you.

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Monster Bunnies

We couldn’t help noticing these headlines:

MSNBC drops Imus simulcast
No More Monster Bunnies for North Korea

North Korea’s possession of German-bred monster bunnies is the more interesting story, if for no reason other than that it explains North Korea's dependence on China: "China currently holds the biggest...carrot" (Yale Online). Unfortunately, there is speculation, but no proof, that North Korean officials may have eaten them. The giant monster bunnies, that is, not the carrot. (We are not making this up: “A German rabbit breeder sold 12 rabbits to North Korea to breed giant bunnies said he won't be exporting any more to the reclusive communist country because he suspects they have been eaten.” (http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,475218,00.html)

But while we love finding news involving German monster bunnies, we also love pointing out bad writing and people who have plainly gone walnuts.

Perusing one of Ann Coulter's blogs is like visiting Francisco Scaramanga’s island in the James Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun, a trap where perceptions are distorted by mirrors and trickery, it is not always clear what is real and what is not, and a midget cackles at you.

We know from personal experience that certain drug interactions will convince you that large black birds are flying straight into the windows and that the pattern on the wallpaper is moving and occasionally forming words. Ann Coulter's bookshelf must not contain a copy of the Physician's Desk Reference because there is no other way to explain how someone with the cognitive capacity to put shoes on the correct feet could equate Don Imus insulting a women's basketball team with Winston Churchill defending England from the Germans. (No, not the German monster bunnies.) This is from a post titled Ho Ho Ho, Merry Imus, in which Ann Coulter argues against courteousness.

“Say, does anyone remember if Winston Churchill was "nice" in his public pronouncements about Hitler?”

Was Reagan "nice" to the Soviets? They certainly didn't think so. The Soviets constantly denounced Reagan as "rude," and our dear friends at the BBC upbraided Reagan for his "rude attacks" on Fidel Castro, Nicaragua and the Soviet Union…'"

“Oh dear! Reagan wasn't "nice." No wonder he never accomplished anything.

(http://www.anncoulter.com/cgi-local/welcome.cgi)

Discourtesy saves the world! Again! We are so ready for the monster bunnies.

But even a monster bunny would fail to root out the metaphorical carrot in this garden. Insulting a women’s basketball team is somehow analogous to the British fighting the Germans in the Second World War? Impoliteness defeated the Nazis? Civility extended the Cold War?

(Pardon us for a moment; if our heads explode, perfectly good hats will be ruined, and it is hard to find good hats these days.)

We have no idea what carrot Ann Coulter is gnawing on. If we were feeling really bitchy, we would point out that she has just compared the Rutgers women’s basketball team to the Third Reich.

You could explore Ann Coulter’s ocean of murky thinking in a bathysphere without sinking to depths low enough to find anything meaningful. Don’t try it.

At that depth, there’s no light.

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Listening to the Owls

The people of Crawford, Texas, may know The Decider better than the rest of us, Ti-jean. "Sometimes, you just have to be by yourself," said Bill Johnson, owner of the Yellow Rose souvenir shop at the one-light crossroads in Crawford. "You've got to get out of the rat race, get some peace and quiet. He can just go and sit by the lake and hear the owls."

That explains a lot. The Western screech owl is a vicious, merciless killer without an ounce of pity in its heartless body. A Western screech owl carries it's prey up to its perch and rips it apart. They protect their nests, and they occasionally attack people for no apparent reason. If this sounds like another resident of Crawford, Texas, Ti-jean, it is not a coincidence.

Ti-jean, there are places in this world where strange and inexplicable things happen. To give you an example, migratory birds can fly hundreds of miles without consulting a map or asking other birds for directions. However, there is a village in India called Jatinga where, on dark foggy nights near the end of the monsoon season, migratory birds—tiger bittern, black bittern, little egret, pond heron, Indian pitta and kingfishers—fly straight into the ground and the villagers tear them apart for their meat. For reasons that no ornithologist has been able to explain, this phenomenon occurs only within a very limited area and only affects birds that should be familiar with the topography.

Something similarly strange and inexplicable is occurring in the Dali-esque landscape of the Justice Department, where gyroscopes do not work, the magnetic field is so distorted that compasses are useless, and the thick fog makes it impossible to navigate by the stars.

After the 2006 monsoon season, Harriet “The Hawk” Miers flew over the Justice Department scavenging for the weak and sickly but did not swoop, leaving the prey alive, momentarily, for the owls who hunt for small terrified creatures in complete darkness. The first eight field mice were ensnared and consumed by Owlberto Gonzales and his department of predatory birds who tend to be most active on Friday nights, when no one is looking.

Then, at the end of the monsoon season, knowing that larger owls prey on other owls, or maybe just succumbing to gravity, the smaller owls started to hit the ground.

Kyle Sampson, Owlberto’s Chief of Staff, plummeted on March 12; Michael A. Battle, Director of the Executive Office for U.S. Attorneys, fell to earth on March 16; Monica Goodling, the Justice Department's liaison to the White House, indicated that she would not hoot and jumped from her perch on April 6.

Most recently, three owls in Minnesota flew into the ground rather than spend sleepless nights listening to the new owl’s screeches.

Owls have natural predators, but newts are generally not among them, so it was a bit of a surprise to hear Newt call for the Owl to meet his taxidermist: "I cannot imagine how he is going to be effective for the rest of this administration…”

Salamanders are among the defenseless creatures that the Western screech owl preys upon. How fitting that a Newt takes on the Owl.

Ti-jean, it is a dark and foggy night. Sitting here by the lake, you can hear the owls screech, and you can hear the impact when they collide with the ground.

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Imaginary Grapefruit Adds a New Feature

Having conducted extensive polling and market research--all right, we asked one lady, but we like her--Imaginary Grapefruit will add a new feature: The Daily Presidential Quotation:

These are some of the candidates we considered to inaugurate The Daily Presidential Quotation:

Abraham Lincoln: “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Theodore Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”
John F. Kennedy: “We set sail on this new sea because there is knowledge to be gained.”

But we ultimately chose this one from George W. Bush's radio address:

"I like peanuts as much as the next guy…"

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Today's Irony

March 30, 2007 – Ti-jean, the irony is so thick you could cut it with whichever kitchen utensil is best suited for cutting thick irony. I don’t make a living cutting irony, so why ask me which utensil to use? But this is thick irony and it deserves to be cut and sent back into the ring where it will surely be knocked out in the first round. This is the permafrost of irony. It is the mantle, the crust, the asthensophere, and the lithosphere of irony. To put it another way, this irony is thick.

Today’s irony is that the company hired by the U.S. government to build a fence to keep illegal aliens from crossing the Southwest border hired illegal aliens to build a fence to keep themselves from crossing the border. No, really. I’m not kidding. Stop laughing, Ti-jean.

The head of a California company hired by the U.S. government to help build a fence along the Southwest border to curb the flow of illegal aliens into the United States has been sentenced on charges of hiring illegals for the job.

(The full story is here:
http://www.washingtontimes.com/national/20070330-124512-2035r.htm)

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers

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The Last Kiss

24 March, 2007 -- Recently disclosed documents and e-mails prove that Alberto “Suits” Gonzales and his capos lied, misled Congress, and kneecapped anyone disloyal to Don Bush with a 38-ounce Louisville Slugger, but “Suits” still enjoys the Don’s protection, at least for now. Dan Bartlett, the Don’s mouthpiece, said today that the Don still loves “Suits” like a son.

If you are Alberto “Suits” Gonzales, these should be unsettling words. Historically, receiving a compliment from the Don has been the equivalent of being kissed by Michael Corleone. It does not bode well for your future.

Consider the fates of other members of la famiglia repubblica whose lips have touched the Don’s.

The Don’s kiss upon Harriet “The Hawk” Miers’ nomination to the Supreme Court:

"I picked the best person I could find. People are going to be amazed at her strength of character and her intellect."

Not exactly, although people outside of la famiglia were amazed by her lack of judicial experience and her inability to provide thorough answers to questions. Nominated on October 3, 2005, “The Hawk” withdrew her nomination on October 27 and continued as White House consigliore until resigning in January 2007. If the rumors are true, she was exiled to Sicily and now lives near the Sanctuary of the Weeping Madonna. Of course, the rumors might not be true. One can never be sure.

The Don’s kiss upon former Ambassador to the United Nations John “The Messenger” Bolton:

I'm sending Ambassador Bolton to New York with my complete confidence.

“The Messenger” may have gone to New York with the Don’s complete confidence, but he didn’t go to New York with a Senate confirmation. He didn’t have one when he returned from New York either. A section of the turf in Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey has recently been replaced, but that is probably a coincidence.

The Don’s kiss upon former FEMA director Michael Brown:

"Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job."

This is actually a mistranslation. What the Don said was “Dovete essere andati in dieci giorni.” “You must be gone in ten days. "Non guardare indietro." "Do not look back.”

The Don’s kiss upon former Secretary of Defense Donald “Bullets” Rumsfeld:

“Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation.”

(Bonus kiss from caporegime Dick Cheney: “I think Donald Rumsfeld is the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had.")

“Bullets” departed after the Don and the caporegime made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. The offer was an Amtrak ticket and a ride to Union Station in a black car.

The Don’s kiss upon former Attorney General John “The Squealer” Ashcroft:

"A man of great integrity, a man of great judgment and a man who knows the law."

A man who wanted to use mail carriers as spies, a man who once lost a Senatorial election to Mel Carnahan despite the fact that Mel Carnahan was dead at the time, and a man who neatly summed up his time at the Justice Department by having a statue called The Spirit of Justice covered. La vita imita l'arte. Life imitates art.

The Don’s kiss upon Tom “The Exterminator” Delay:

I have confidence in Tom DeLay's leadership, and I have confidence in Tom DeLay.

The Don’s confidence notwithstanding, “The Exterminator” was indicted on charges of conspiracy and money laundering, but I’m sure he appreciates the Don’s confidence. He will receive a bag of oranges from an anonymous friend after he has been convicted, and he will be looking over his shoulder in the exercise yard.

In Sicily, it is called il bacio della morte. The kiss of death. Restituire i vostri libri delle biblioteche. Return your library books. Non li avrete bisogno di. You will not need them.

Alberto “Suits” Gonzales has said that he has no intention of resigning, but as his presence is a growing distraction to the Don, it will not be long before he wakes up looking into the eyes of a severed horse’s head. “Suits” may not be nervous yet, but the horses are.

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Reuters Runs Down the Mock Hare

The writers of Imaginary Grapefruit appreciate good journalism and laugh at bad journalism. We have been laughing a lot lately.

Yesterday morning, Politico.com posted the news that John Edwards would suspend his Presidential campaign due to Elizabeth Edwards’ illness, and other news hounds ran after the story like greyhounds running down hares. Unfortunately, there was one problem with the story. As all racing greyhounds eventually find out, the rabbit is not real.

But that didn’t stop Reuters’ greyhounds from chasing the mock hare:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards will suspend his presidential campaign, and may drop out completely, because his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence cancer that struck her in 2004, a Democratic Party source said on Thursday.

He is going to be ending or suspending his campaign," said the Democratic source in Iowa, adding Edwards and his campaign had alerted some supporters in the state of his decision. "The big mystery seems to be how serious Elizabeth's illness is."

Then Reuters’ hounds caught the rabbit and discovered the forgery:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards said on Thursday he would continue his presidential campaign even though his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence of cancer that first struck her in 2004.

"The campaign goes on. The campaign goes on strongly," Edwards, a former senator from North Carolina and the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee, said at a news conference in his hometown.

You have to admire Reuters. They’re right at least 50% of the time.

Reuters’ greyhounds were not the only dogs looking at the back end of a mock hare, but we have to throw a bone to MSNBC, which voluntarily sent itself to the dog house:

“Earlier Thursday, MSNBC.com incorrectly reported that Edwards would suspend his campaign because of his wife’s illness. The report was based on a statement an Edwards friend made to Politico.com, a political Web site, and a source who spoke to NBC.”

We also throw a bone to Ben Smith, who posted the rabbit on Politico.com and later acknowledged that it was hasenpfeffer: "My apologies to our readers for passing on bad information." While we will continue to mock Ben Smith—Ben, if you’re going to post an apology, the title should be “How I Jumped the Shark,” not “How Politico Got It Wrong”—we appreciate that he posted his own mea culpa.

We have not seen anything from Reuters that sounds remotely like “we're sorry that we didn’t check our facts.”

It is excusable to chase the mock hare, but a smart greyhound barks when it realizes it’s been fooled, then heads back to the kennel.

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PETA Rats Out Senator Durbin

The writer of Imaginary Grapefruit and Bessie, Defender of the Blog, do not always agree with PETA. We agree with the group philosophically, but its members have shown a knack for doing really incredibly stupid things. This time, however, we are on PETA’s side and we don’t care that we are in the minority.

PETA posted this on The Hill Blog (http://www.blog.thehill.com)) earlier today:

Take a Swing at Sen. Durbin for Killing Rat With Golf Club
March 21st, 2007

Like many compassionate people, we at PETA were shocked and disappointed to learn that according to a recent ABC News story, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) bragged about beating a rat to death with a golf club. PETA has written to Sen. Durbin and urged him to use only humane rat-control methods in the future so that he can set a good example for his constituents — especially impressionable young people.

PETA also points out that cruelly killing one rat won’t prevent more rats from taking up residence in the Washington, D.C., townhouse that Sen. Durbin shares with three other members of Congress—more rats will simply move in to fill the void. We urge Durbin to inform his landlord, Rep. George Miller, that he can easily and permanently end the rat infestation by sealing any openings larger than a dime in the foundation vents, roof, and sub-floor with caulk or a sturdy screening material. Sen. Durbin can help make the townhouse less attractive to rodents by cleaning up the “filth and squalor” that he says can be found throughout the dwelling. Any remaining rats can be caught in a humane trap and released outdoors.

Senator Durbin beat an animal to death with a golf club and found it amusing. This is an excerpt from the ABC News story:

Durbin, chipper in a red sweater, shared the tale of the night he confronted a large rat, killing the beast with a golf club.

"I'm not a good golfer," Durbin quips. "I had to three putt."
(http://www.abcnews.go.com/WNT/Politics/story?id=2942649&page=1)

Washington has a surplus of rats and, at the moment, most of them do not have fur. Most of them wear expensive suits, provide constituent services and occasionally play golf. Unlike one particular rat, we believe that beating a living creature to death with a golf club is not something to brag about and that it is not funny.

We agree with PETA and we are pleased that the Senator has been ratted out.

(Imaginary Grapefruit catches intruding rodents such as squirrels and mice using safe traps, drives them to a park, and releases them unharmed.)

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Dashiell Hammett and Arlo Guthrie address the treachery and deceit at the Department of Justice

“Don’t worry about the story’s goofiness. A sensible one would’ve had us all in the cooler.” (Sam Spade speaking to Joel Cairo in The Maltese Falcon.)

These are strange times, Ti-jean. I have checked Roget’s Thesaurus, and it does not appear that “Principal Associate Deputy Attorney General” is generally used as a synonym for “cannon fodder,” but if I worked in the District of Columbia today, I would seriously consider joining a circus or a motorcycle gang. These are more reputable occupations, and they are infinitely safer. Ask any of the eight Federal prosecutors who have been thrown from the train.

In The Maltese Falcon, Sam Spade knew that Lieutenant Dundy and Tom Polhaus knew he was lying, and he didn’t care. That is clearly the spirit at the Justice Department these days.

Ti-jean, I am not particularly concerned when politicians lie. I expect it, and I would be a fool if I didn’t. “How do you know when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.” Aristophanes told that joke backstage in 386 B.C. and got big laughs because everyone knew it was true. Little has changed.

But it is different when the lies are shoved out the door and left naked and shivering in the cold wind on Pennsylvania Avenue.

It is naive to complain that eight Federal prosecutors were fired for “political reasons.” U.S. Attorneys serve “at the pleasure of the President.” Conversely, they can be dismissed “at the pleasure of the President,” for any reason or no reason, and dismissals are not unusual. W. is by no means the first to dismiss prosecutors.

(It is, on the other hand, quite amusing that the Republican Party is using the “Clinton did it too” defense. This is the same party that was so appalled by Bill Clinton that they spent millions of dollars on investigations and failed to get a conviction. Now they’re using his precedent as a defense. We do love irony at Imaginary Grapefruit.)

But it is completely ludicrous that they expect anyone with Alpha wave activity to believe that Principal Associate Deputy Attorney General William E. Moschella decided on his own that the manner in which interim prosecutors were appointed was a “constitutional anomaly” and used the Patriot Act to fix the anomaly without any discussion, debate or approval, and that no one noticed before the bill was passed. As I said, lies are to be expected, but we want them to be plausible.

Ti-jean, do you believe that the Attorney General of the United States is not consulted when the law that dictates how Federal prosecutors are appointed is about to be changed?

In 1974, Arlo Guthrie wrote a song called “The Presidential Rag,” which included this question to Richard Nixon: “if you didn’t know about this one, then what else don’t you know?” It's still a fair question.

###

Memo from Wild Bill Hickok to the Attorney General

Ti-jean, there is nothing new about corruption or duplicity. Knowing what happened to Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare was smart enough to not sit with his back to the door. Unlike Valerie Plame, he covered his back to the extent that, centuries later, scholars are still trying to figure out who he was. Wild Bill Hickok was equally wily but he was nevertheless caught with aces and eights, the dead man’s hand, and is buried next to Calamity Jane. Bad things can happen if you're not careful.

But it is surprising to find that the Attorney General of the United States has less common sense than Jack McCall and left his fingerprints on the gun used to send one of his aides, Kyle Sampson, to the bottom of the Potomac River.

The irony is thicker than the grass in the Black Hills of South Dakota. The Attorney General who argued for warrantless searches of telephone records and E-mails has been ambushed by E-mails between Sampson and former White House Counselor Harriet Miers. Never, ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean, and for heaven's sake, don't write your villainous plans in E-mails.

Eight Federal prosecutors were gunned down in the D.C. corral by the Justice Department because they were considered insufficiently loyal to Wild George. It could have been worse. “Calamity” Harriet Miers floated the idea of gunning down all 93 Federal prosecutors in 2004. That idea floated like a dead horse, but the fact that it floated at all, no matter how briefly, is frightening.

Imagine that, Ti-jean—a White House counselor who was nominated for a lifetime gig on the Supreme Court recommended that competent prosecutors with good performance reviews be fired for not being “team players.” Lady Justice removed her blindfold and had her finger on the trigger.

Two victims of the shootout in the corral were U.S. attorneys Carol Lam and David Iglesias. Carol Lam was the prosecutor who sent Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham to purgatory and asked some inconvenient questions in the process, and David Iglesias had the misfortune of having his back to the door when Sen. Pete Domenici entered the saloon and pulled his single-action pistol from its loop holster. Do not ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean. I cannot stress that enough.

The Attorney General of the United States has acknowledged that “mistakes have been made.” The captain of the Titanic also acknowledged that “mistakes have been made,” but culpability makes no difference when the ship is sinking.

So, what are the cards in Alberto Gonzales' hand? Aces and eights. That's always bad luck, and he's sitting with his back to the door. Wild Bill Hickok can explain why that’s unwise, as can Calamity Jane. Unfortunate things can happen when you're not careful.

###

Postscript: Ti-jean, shortly after I wrote this, Paul Perez, a U.S. Attorney in Florida, announced that he would resign to take a job at Fidelity National Financial Inc. The timing may have been coincidental, but from my window in Grande Bouche, it looks like Paul Perez realized that he too was holding aces and eights and had the good sense to ride out of Deadwood in a hurry.

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Will the Decider's Albatross Catch a Greyhound to Wyoming?

Just for fun on a cold Sunday morning, let’s shake our Magic 8-ball and ask it a question. Magic 8-ball, will Dick Cheney resign?

Following Scooter Libby’s conviction on Tuesday, there’s been growing speculation that Vice President Cheney might be next in line to be hooded and left dangling from the hangman’s noose. He was not indicted and did not testify, but a President with a 33% approval rating cannot afford to keep throwing squid to his albatross indefinitely. There are too many albatross, and not enough squid.

Under normal circumstances, it would be unlikely that the man often described as the most influential VP in history would pack his bags and board a Greyhound bus back to Wyoming, either willingly or unwillingly. The puppet seldom fires the puppeteer, and the puppeteer seldom cuts the strings voluntarily.

But these are not normal times. The 2008 Presidential election will be the first since 1928 in which neither the sitting President nor the sitting VP will be running.

That could change. The VP could plausibly resign for “health reasons” given that his medical problems are well documented, thereby allowing the President to nominate a replacement. In that case, the logical nominee would be Condoleeza Rice, since she’s next in line among Republicans in the order of succession, and this President likes to keep his friends nearby. However, Condi’s confirmation hearings would not be gentle and would give Democrats an opportunity to ask questions that she would prefer not to answer.

On the other hand, it would be hard for a closely divided Senate to reject Rudy Giuliani. He’s popular, relatively moderate and doesn’t have to defend any position on the 2002 Iraq resolution. As of this moment, he holds a substantial lead over Sen. John McCain and no other Republican candidate is even remotely close. If confirmed, Rudy would have the nomination in his back pocket and, as the incumbent VP, he would have a strong advantage over the Democratic challenger. By replacing Cheney with Giuliani, The Decider would not only rid himself of an albatross, but get to hand-pick his own successor at the same time.

Of course, this would effectively take McCain out of the race, which could be awkward for the President since McCain is one of the few senators still supporting his Iraq policy, but there’s an obvious solution. If you think you’re about to read the words “Giuliani/McCain in 2008,” you’re right.

There’s one other scenario that’s all but impossible but still fun to contemplate. George W. Bush could nominate George H.W. Bush to replace Cheney, then Dad could send Junior to his room. George H.W. Bush may have been a one-term President, but he knew the shortest route out of Iraq.

By the way, the reply from the Magic 8-ball was “cannot predict now.”

###

Bush Administration: Polar Bears are Covert CIA Operatives

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

George W. Bush loves freedom of speech as much as Ann Coulter loves John Edwards. As much as Aaron Burr loved Alexander Hamilton. As much as Godzilla loved Mothra.

“…if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.” George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

This administration has more leaks than a rusty bucket and only one hole has been plugged. This is the week in which I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the President’s assistant and the Vice President’s Chief of Staff, was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice. Vice President Cheney and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove were implicated but not charged. Laws were broken but, borrowing a phrase from Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, the verdict on Cheney and Rove was “not proved.” At this moment, Cheney and Rove are having the Tuna Nicoise at Bistro Bis on E Street while Scooter is getting a clock face with no hands tattooed on his left arm and The Decider has made no decisions other than to decide to do nothing, at least for the time being.

This is also the week during which it was revealed that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service requires U.S. scientists attending meetings abroad to provide assurances that they will not discuss polar bears or melting sea ice unless their comments agree with the Bush administration’s positions.

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

It has been less than two weeks since Al Gore’s documentary on global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth,” won an Oscar. It is possible that someone has seen it. It is also possible that someone has Googled the words “melting polar ice.”

Compared to l'affaire de Plame, l'affaire de nanuq is relatively simple. As sea ice melts, polar bears are forced to swim greater distances between ice floes, and they are drowning. But scientists from the United States travelling abroad have to assure the Fish and Wildlife Service that they understand the administration’s positions before speaking. The Bush administration’s position, borrowing a phrase from Senator Specter, is that human responsibility for global warming is “not proved.”

How’s that for symmetry?

If CIA operative Valerie Plame had been a polar bear--and it is worth noting that the collective noun for a group of bears is a sleuth--discussing her ursine status would have been off-limits and she would be sitting happily on an ice floe eating ringed seals. (Seals are a good source of omega-3 fatty acids.) It’s permissible for insiders to discuss a covert CIA operative with reporters, but it’s not permissible for scientists to discuss melting sea ice and drowning polar bears.

So, does a bear obfuscate in the woods?

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

“Scripture teaches us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go...” -- Galileo Galilei, 1633, before being forced to recant his theory of heliocentrism.

Galileo would be disappointed to see how little has changed in 374 years.

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Sunday Morning: Would You Like Another Cup of Tea Before the Apocalypse, Dear?

March 4, 2007 – Ti-jean, please pass the newspaper. Let’s see this morning’s headlines.

North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear facilities in exchange for fuel oil.

How nice of Kim Jong Il. Of course, North Korea doesn’t exactly have a history of honoring its agreements, having already withdrawn from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and other commitments, and will almost certainly threaten to resume processing uranium the next time it needs food or oil. Still, allowing the UN to resume inspections for the time being is a good thing. Let’s see the next headline:

Pakistan tests nuclear capable ballistic warhead.

That’s not good. Pakistan and India have been the Hatfields and the McCoys of South Asia since 1947, and both possess nuclear weapons. Considering that India is the second-most populous country on Earth, it would only take one nuclear capable ballistic warhead for Shiva to have a really bad day.

Muammar al-Qadhafi claims that Libya has not been properly compensated for giving up its nuclear weapons programs.

Postcard to Iran and North Korea: please don’t develop nuclear technology. Don’t be concerned that we didn’t keep our promises to Libya. Hugs and kisses, George W. Bush.

(Pardon me while I digress. Considering that Muammar al-Qadhafi has been Libya’s leader since 1969, you would expect that there would be some agreement on the proper spelling of his name by now. There isn’t. I’ve found seven different spellings. I say Qaddafi, you say Khadafi, let’s call the whole thing off.)

Please turn the page, Ti-jean.

U.S. Selects a New Nuclear Warhead Design

What? There’s a brilliant example of poor timing, announcing a new nuclear warhead design while simultaneously lobbying for UN sanctions against Iran and North Korea for developing nuclear weapons. Worse, didn’t North Korea cite “hostile U.S. policy” as its reason for conducting nuclear tests? What a spectacular moment for the United States to announce that it’s upgrading its arsenal.

Ti-jean, does it strike you as odd that the most enlightened quote is from Muammar al-Qadhafi: "Libya will never go back. I believe that the era of hostility and confrontation is behind us.” It’s a strange world when Muammar al-Qadhafi is the voice of reason.

Hand me the comics, Ti-jean. Care for more tea before the apocalypse, dear?

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Swiss Army Fails to Capture Liechtenstein, Goes Home

March 3, 2007 – Switzerland, a country known for its neutrality and its fromage suisse, invaded Liechtenstein yesterday. No one in Liechtenstein noticed. Stop laughing.

The invasion was inadvertent, according to the Swiss government, which explained that 170 of its infantry soldiers got lost (the one accessory Swiss army knives lack is a compass, but most have corkscrews, which are handy when opening bottles of riesling) and accidentally invaded the country next door. After asking for directions, the soldiers turned around and went home to make cocoa, or possibly to open a bottle of riesling.

Liechtenstein has a population of about 35,000, making it nearly as large as Pennsauken, New Jersey. (Come on, Switzerland, pick on someone your own size!) Out of the 35,000 residents of Liechtenstein, only about 23,100 are actually from Liechtenstein. The rest are from Switzerland, Austria, Germany and Italy. Still, the Swiss infantry was outnumbered.

The Swiss soldiers were carrying assault rifles but had no ammunition. That’s not necessarily a disadvantage when invading Liechtenstein, since the country disbanded its military in 1868. On the other hand, Liechtenstein’s largest company, Hilti, makes nail guns, which may explain the Swiss’ hasty retreat.

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Dining Out in Grande Bouche

Ti-jean, I have just found the strangest restaurant in the northern hemisphere and I am delighted that it is right here in Grande Bouche. I realize that a claim this extravagant requires proof, so I'm going to post a photograph of the sign. Otherwise it would be like going home and saying “Honey, guess what I just saw. A giant monkey on top of a skyscraper swatting at airplanes.” The jury needs to see the evidence.

The restaurant is called Louisiana Style Chinese Takeout. I drove past it twice to make sure I read the sign correctly.

I'm still trying to visualize the point on the culinary Venn diagram where Creole and Chinese cuisines intersect. I believe it's the point where an Iron Chef explodes and a shiitake mushroom cloud is visible for miles. And I'm completely unable to think about it without hearing the Beatles' "Come Together" with slightly altered lyrics:

"He use no soy sauce, he make muffulettas,
He got stir-fried noodles, he chew tofu gumbo,
He eat crawfish ettoufee,
Want to get turducken, but it’s too hard to say!
Come together, right now, over me."

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Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan: Kiefer, You're Setting a Bad Example for the Army

What you are about to read is true. I had to say that, because anyone who has evolved beyond homo erectus and has the intelligence to wear shoes on the correct feet will read this and think “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I repeat, to the best of my knowledge, it is true.

Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan thinks that the acts of torture shown on 24 set a bad example for the Army. This is a direct quote: “I’d like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires.” Kiefer Sutherland has been invited by the Army to discuss why torture is a bad thing.

At this point, you have just said to yourself “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I warned you. If that wasn’t your first thought, look down. Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

According to Human Rights First, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized such interrogation techniques as sleep deprivation, dietary manipulation, isolation, and exposure to extreme temperatures. Alberto Gonzales and George W. Bush have issued memos stating that Geneva Convention III on the Treatment of Prisoners of War is inapplicable to al Qaeda or the Taliban. A report by a Department of Defense working group describes 35 interrogation techniques including face and stomach slapping, removal of clothing, and hooding. Other approved interrogation techniques include the use of dogs for intimidation, waterboarding and denial of medication. Then there are the extraordinary renditions, the ghost detainees hidden from the Red Cross, the secret prisons in Central Europe, and the deportation of the Kulaks.

I’ll bet I snuck that last one past you. The Kulaks were deported to Siberia and Central Asia by Josef Stalin. Interesting that it didn’t sound out of place.

Since the President, the Vice President, the current Attorney General, and the former Secretary of Defense have all been seen singing Cole Porter’s Anything Goes on karaoke night, it is laughable to think that no one will sing along.

But a Brigadier General thinks that 24 is sending the wrong message to the Army. If 24 sets a bad example, I hope no one in the Army has seen The Silence of the Lambs.

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How to run for President in 2008—don’t tell anyone you're running for President in 2008.

As of today, there are grassroots campaigns to draft Al Gore, Wesley Clark, Russ Feingold, Mark Warner, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul. None of them have said that they are running. Meanwhile, Chris Dodd and Dennis Kucinich can't get a glass of water in an IHOP, and Tom Vilsack's attempt to win the White House was as successful as Barbaro's attempt to win the Preakness Stakes. The conclusion is that in order to rally your potential voters, your best bet is to declare that you aren’t a candidate.

Al Gore has already said—repeatedly—that he has no intention of running in 2008, but his supporters continue to debate his verb conjugations and consult their Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, and the result is always “reply hazy, try again.” We will probably see the inner Gore more clearly after An Inconvenient Truth wins the Oscar for best documentary tomorrow night.

So let’s forget about Gore for the moment and talk about General Wesley Clark.

Clark’s political action committee, WesPAC, has launched a Web site, StopIranWar.com, on which General Clark makes an eloquent case for diplomacy rather than military action against Iran, and asks visitors to sign a petition to the President.

General Clark’s advice is sound, and the petition is totally pointless.

George W’s approval rating has gone from 90% to 31%, and Dick Cheney’s is around 29%. Throw in the margin of error and their approval ratings are about the same as Vladimir Putin’s. They are clearly not obsessed with public opinion, and they have no reason to be since neither is running for reelection.

It’s already obvious that most people think the Iraq war wasn’t worth it, most people think the troops should be withdrawn, and most people are against the “surge.” Moreover, CNN and CBS polls already show that a majority favor diplomacy over military action in Iran. Has any of this mattered? No, so is one more petition really likely to have any effect?

Of course not, and General Clark knows it. But as a potential candidate for President, Clark has an advantage—unlike Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd and John Edwards, he didn’t vote in favor of the 2002 Iraq Resolution, so he can’t be accused of flip-flopping. He doesn’t have to say he made a mistake.

So, assuming that General Clark has seen the polls, knows which way the wind is blowing, and knows that the Bush administration couldn’t care less about public opinion, why start a petition? There’s only one possible answer. Oh, you're way ahead of me.

Unfortunately, General Clark’s arrow is aimed at the wrong target. In these times, the deadliest arrow in the quiver is a checkbook. Don’t bother petitioning the President, General Clark, petition the senators on the appropriations committee.

(Here's the link to the Senate Appropriations Committee: http://appropriations.senate.gov/index.cfm)

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You Must Be At Least 18

To enter this site, you must be at least 18 years old. Are you at least 18 years old?

(a) Yes
(b) No

You don’t look it. Really?

(a) Yes
(b) No

Oh, come on.

(a) No, really!

Fine. Answer this: which one of Charlie’s Angels was the “smart” one?

(a) Shirley Jackson
(b) Kate Jackson
(c) Andrew Jackson
(d) Tito Jackson

I still don’t believe you. Match these unfortunate Presidential quotations to the correct President:

(a) “I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.”
(b) “Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.”
(c) “You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent.”
(d) “I would have made a good Pope.”

(1) Richard M. Nixon
(2) Richard M. Nixon
(3) Richard M. Nixon
(4) Richard M. Nixon

All right, that was correct. What’s the difference between “Abscam” and “Absolutely Fabulous?”

(a) None. Both featured way too many polyester suits.

Right again. What is celebrated on April 22?

(a) Earth Day
(b) Doris Day

Are you really over 18?

(a) Yes.
(b) Let me tell you what I’m wearing.

Like sushi? I know a place that makes awesome tekka-maki.

(a) Pick me up in 30 minutes.
(b) Bring the umeshu.

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Addresses Shareholders

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing Addresses Shareholders, Announces Plans for Canterbury Tales Makeover.

1 hour 18 minutes ago

Grande Bouche, NJ -- The CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing has just concluded his annual address to shareholders and is at this moment giving an informal lecture on the difference between riesling and pinot gris. The address to I-Grape shareholders ended with a surprising announcement of an ambitious plan to remake Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, and the electricity in the air was palpable. Here are some of the highlights of the CEO’s address:

“It’s been another good year for Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing, and we’ve had some great successes. Show me a driver in this country who doesn’t have a copy of The Importance of Properly Inflated Tires. I’m particularly proud of the success we’ve had with 1001 Uses for Oatmeal That You’ve Never Considered. And our e-publishing division recently launched a new Web site for healthcare consumers, www.howtoapplyaband-aid.com.” (Applause.)

“Nevertheless, we at Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing recognize that some of our titles are not selling as well as they used to, and need to be updated. That’s why the first project on our editorial calendar for the new year is a makeover of The Canterbury Tales. This property has done well for us over the past 600 years, and we think it still has legs. ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’ always gets high marks in consumer satisfaction surveys. But ‘The Reeve’s Tale,’ ‘The Franklin’s Tale,’ ‘The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale,’ and ‘The Manciple’s Tale’— they’re so 1386. Really, what is a manciple? You tell me. We need some fresh ideas.”

“We’ve received permission from Chaucer’s estate to update these laggards with exciting new tales that we think will revitalize the entire Canterbury franchise. The first releases will be ‘The Personal Investment Counselor’s Tale,’ ‘The Satellite Dish Installer’s Tale,’ ‘The Congressional Page’s Tale,’ and ‘The Graphic Novelist’s Tale.’” (Applause.)

“We expect to have iPod compatible downloads of the new Canterbury Tales available by Q3. Enjoy the reception, and please take one of the Chaucer bobblehead figurines on your way out. Thank you.” (Standing ovation.)

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Lament

In 1922, T.S. Eliot wrote “April is the cruelest month…” If you happen to be unfortunate enough to play for the Philadelphia Flyers this season, January is the cruelest month. So far. The Flyers ended the month having fared slightly worse than the Dutch during the Sack of Antwerp and currently have the worst record in the National Hockey League.

Haiku for Flyers Chairman Ed Snider

Chairman of the Board
Ed Snider with silver hair
What is with your team?

Please do not blame Esche
This team could not score a goal
If the puck had eyes.

Dear Ed, in your heart
You must know no hope is left
Let’s melt the ice now.

Have a Teacake, Karl

It’s so quaint to hear Democrats and Republicans arguing over grammar. Would you care for tea, Mr. Rove? Please have another scone, Madame Speaker. Now, about your sentence structure, Karl—may I call you Karl?

During the State of the Union Address, President Bush said “I want to congratulate the new Democrat majority.” This is grammatically incorrect. Democrat is a noun, Democratic is an adjective. A majority of Democrats is correct usage, but a Democrat majority is not.

But this is something more than another example of George W’s language abuse, his idiomatic Abu Ghraib where words are tortured with whips and dogs. It’s linguistic disingenuousness used by Joe McCarthy, a verbal gimmick intended to imply that Democrats are not necessarily Democratic; that is, that they don’t relate to a broad population. Predictably, Democrats feel that they’ve been undemocratically dissed. They're a bit touchy right now. After all, it's only been a few weeks since CNN and Yahoo! News both confused Barack Obama with Osama Bin Laden.

This lexiconic skirmish does not bode well for bipartisanship. Since George W. has repeatedly requested tax cuts, he should request a repeal of his own syntax.

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The Banzai Pipeline of Channel Surfing

Just in from the Associated Press:

The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies.

Discussions by a committee appointed earlier this month by the city commission to plan the event have even covered issues such as a theme to be printed on T-shirts, what musicians would perform, the cost and how long the celebration would last.

If Fidel Castro summoned up the nobleza to die on Sunday, the Official Death Party could occur simultaneously with Super Bowl XLI, with roughly 3,500 media representatives (more than three times the population of North Key Largo) in the Miami area to cover the two events. What a great way to show the world that Americans really are caring, sensitive people. The only way to make this scenario more interesting would be to have the NFL transport Castro by MedEvac helicopter to Dolphin Stadium so that he could expire during halftime. Why not? The worst that could happen would be a cigar malfunction.

It is time to change the batteries in the TV remote. Sunday may be the Banzai Pipeline of channel surfing.

###

The Sciurus Carolinensis Diet

Memo from the Imaginary Grapefruit office in Grande Bouche, New Jersey:

Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.

Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.

This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.

The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.

And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?

Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?

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Get Well Quickly, Riley B. King

I happened to be listening to a T-Bone Walker record when I heard that B.B. King was hospitalized in Galveston, Texas yesterday with a 100.4 degree fever. He was expected to be released today. Performances scheduled for tonight and tomorrow night have been postponed, but B.B. still plans to be playing the blues in Fort Worth on Tuesday.

In 1949, the year in which B.B. King first recorded for Bullet Records in Nashville, Tennessee, Harry Truman was President, Ted Williams led the American League in home runs, Gene Autry recorded “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” the Berlin Airlift ended, and Israel was admitted to the United Nations. He has made many records since then; all have been good, some have been great, and I will argue that Live at the Regal, recorded in 1964 and released in 1965, is one of the best albums ever recorded in any genre. And in 2007, he is still the Beale Street Blues Boy.

Get well quickly, Riley B. King.

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Overheard at the Oxygen Bar

We were talking about dogs, beer, and President George W.

Actually, we were talking about the other President George W.

Here’s an interesting comparison:

· Number of words in George Washington’s second Presidential Inaugural Address: 135

· Number of words in a recent Associated Press article bearing the headline “Pet Shop Owner Creates Beer for Dogs: 145.

The obvious conclusion is that there is more to say about beer for dogs.

George Washington brewed a pumpkin porter and also distilled whiskey, either of which might account for his having delivered the shortest inaugural address in U.S. history.

Among those captured during the Battle of Germantown in 1777 was a dog belonging to English General William Howe. Despite having lost the battle, George Washington returned Howe’s dog with a brief note. A draft copy of the note is in Alexander Hamilton’s handwriting, marking the only time in U.S. history that a future President and a future Secretary of the Treasury have written a note about a dog. It is not known whether General Howe’s dog sampled the pumpkin porter while in Washington’s custody, but it is not out of the question, since Washington’s own dogs were named Drunkard, Tipsy, Tippler, and Taster.

The name of General Howe’s dog is not known. The beer for dogs is called Kwispelbier, Kwispel being a Dutch word for wagging a tail.

Memo to Congress: put your checkbook back in your pocket

This is from the Associated Press:

Dems not united on Iraq troop funding
Some distance themselves from Pelosi's stance on additional money

Next month, George W. Bush will submit a supplemental spending bill to Congress. Supplemental spending bills have typically been used for unexpected expenditures like natural disasters. How a war that has been ongoing since 2003 and has no end in sight can still be considered an unexpected expense is not exactly clear.

Despite generally being viewed less favorably than a 1986 Yugo, the President stubbornly refuses to order hard right rudder, insisting on aiming his unsinkable Titanic directly at the iceburg at full speed. The outcome is clear. Unless the port engines are reversed, this ship is going to sink while the band plays “Nearer, my God, to Thee.”

That being the case, the important word in the phrase “checks and balances” is “checks,” and while the President is Commander-in-Chief, Congress holds the piggy bank.

Apart from Sen. Joe Lieberman—say it ain't so, Joe—is there a Democrat that supports escalation, augmentation, enhancement, or whatever it's called this week? Even some Republicans, notably Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska and Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine refuse to go down this skunk hole. Congress—are you listening?—it is time to use your mojo hand. Put the checkbook back in your pocket.

Note that we are no longer “staying the course,” it is now a “new way forward.” Lemmings also have a new way forward, and it frequently leads over a cliff.

Another Existential Conflict

Vice President Dick Cheney on Fox News Sunday, discussing the war in Iraq: "This is an existential conflict…"

Prior to the fall of Baghdad, the most noteworthy existential conflict was the famous Gentlemen’s Doubles competition at Wimbledon in which Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre faced Fyodor Dostoevsky and Franz Kafka in possibly the most important tennis match in the history of modern philosophy. The match was broadcast live on BBC 2 and changed the course of postmodern writing.

Camus and Sartre were heavily favored, having recently beaten François Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard in the French Open. However, Camus considered himself an absurdist rather than an existentialist, and chose to not use a racquet. As a result, he was able to postulate that the absurd is the essential concept and the first truth but had difficulty returning a serve.

Sartre was well-known for his revolutionary footwork but was unable to lob effectively, as he refused to acknowledge the existence of the net. After the match, Sartre commented to a reporter from the Daily Telegraph that “consciousness is consciousness of itself insofar as it is consciousness of a transcendent object. And Dostoevsky has a killer forehand."

The third set was briefly delayed because Kafka had turned into a giant insect.

No winner was declared because the line judge, Søren Kierkegaard, considered the match meaningless.

Both pairs were subsequently eliminated from the tournament by logical positivists in matches that are now generally considered low points in post-war existentialism.

###

Morning After Haiku

New Orleans 27, Philadelphia 24

Oh, Andy Reid, large coach
You have been coach for eight years
Why must your teams lose?

Sweet Andy Reid, cheer up
Do not fear unemployment
The Post Office needs help.

Hey, English Majors! Nepal urgently needs writers!

This is an actual quote from the Nepal Tourism Board's Web site (http://www.welcomenepal.com): "In winter hypothermia may be (a) hindrance to some..." Well, I suppose it could be a small hindrance if chilblains, amputation and death don't figure prominently in your vacation plans. (I particularly like that they added the words "to some..." I guess someone might consider hypothermia attractive, but when the chilbains become open sores, I'll be glad my travel agent is on speed dial.)

And while you’re in Nepal, check out the art galleries. Or perhaps not. This is another direct quote from the Nepal Tourism Board: “The Art Galleries are not exactly the epitome of art collections…” Sell it, baby!

Surprisingly, the Tourism Board didn’t mention the lack of electricity and telephones, or the illiteracy, unemployment, poverty, and polyandry. Especially the polyandry.

And while in Nepal, you can stay at the five star Hotel Yak and Yeti in Kathmandu. (I am not making this up. See for yourself: http//www.yakandyeti.com.) To my knowledge, it is the only five star hotel in the world named for a long-haired humped bovine and a humanoid cryptid.

Clearly, Nepal has to rethink its marketing strategies and is going to need new writers. Opportunity knocks.

So feel welcome, young writers! Come to Nepal for the summer, stay for the monsoons!