Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.
Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.
This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.
The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.
And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?
Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?
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