Dining Out in Grande Bouche

Ti-jean, I have just found the strangest restaurant in the northern hemisphere and I am delighted that it is right here in Grande Bouche. I realize that a claim this extravagant requires proof, so I'm going to post a photograph of the sign. Otherwise it would be like going home and saying “Honey, guess what I just saw. A giant monkey on top of a skyscraper swatting at airplanes.” The jury needs to see the evidence.

The restaurant is called Louisiana Style Chinese Takeout. I drove past it twice to make sure I read the sign correctly.

I'm still trying to visualize the point on the culinary Venn diagram where Creole and Chinese cuisines intersect. I believe it's the point where an Iron Chef explodes and a shiitake mushroom cloud is visible for miles. And I'm completely unable to think about it without hearing the Beatles' "Come Together" with slightly altered lyrics:

"He use no soy sauce, he make muffulettas,
He got stir-fried noodles, he chew tofu gumbo,
He eat crawfish ettoufee,
Want to get turducken, but it’s too hard to say!
Come together, right now, over me."

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The Sciurus Carolinensis Diet

Memo from the Imaginary Grapefruit office in Grande Bouche, New Jersey:

Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.

Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.

This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.

The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.

And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?

Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?

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