We wish Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon were investigating the crimes we are about to discuss. If any two guys could locate a man with a Fender Stratocaster guitar in his pants and a man in possession of a stolen crocodile, those two guys would be Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon.
And--most importantly--Sgt. Joe Friday would be wearing trousers.
According to the Associated Press, three men—their names are unknown at this time, so we’ll call them Larry, Darryl and Darryl—entered Music Maniac in Lewiston, Maine, where Larry stuffed a Fender Stratocaster in his pants. One might assume that someone would notice a guy stuffing an electric guitar into his pants, but apparently that is not a safe assumption. We cannot help wondering how big the pants have to be to conceal a guitar, and how long it takes to stuff a guitar into a pair of pants. We'll never know. In any case, Larry, Darryl and Darryl remain at large, and we really don’t need to know that much about Larry’s pants.
We have to assume that either Darryl or Darryl created a distraction to give Larry time to stuff a guitar into his pants. So, about the crocodile…
According to Reuters, someone walked out of an aquarium in Oslo, Norway with a crocodile—specifically, a Schneider's dwarf caiman (Paleosuchus Trigonatus). To our knowledge, no one outside of Imaginary Grapefruit has suggested that the crocodile was smuggled out in a pair of pants but, at least for now, no one can prove us wrong.
If Darryl—or Darryl—needed to create a distraction so that Larry could stuff a Stratocaster into his pants, a crocodile is generally a good distraction. We don't know that a crocodile in Darryl's--or Darryl's--trousers was the distraction, but we also don't know that it wasn't.
This is where the naked constable comes in.
If you are a car thief in Balclutha, South Island, New Zealand, you probably don’t consider the possibility of being pursued by a naked constable, unless you are trying to steal the naked constable’s car. If that is the case, then the possibility of being pursued by a naked constable should be considered. (We would like to thank Reuters for not posting any photographs of the naked constable. Thank you, Reuters.) But if you are a car thief in Balclutha, South Island, New Zealand and you don’t consider the possibility of being pursued by a naked constable while you are stealing the naked constable's car, the chance of a satisfactory outcome is pretty slim.
New Zealand's least successful car thief is now aware of this. We don't care what he's done in the past, if you try to steal a car from a naked constable, your judgement is questionable.
As of this time, the police in Lewiston, Maine have not been able to find a guy with a Fender Stratocaster in his pants, and the police in Oslo, Norway have not been able to find a guy carrying a crocodile.
Clearly, it is time to bring in New Zealand's naked constable. New Zealand has both fresh water and salt water crocodiles, and also has Kiwi rock (We’re not making this up—this is from Wikipedia—“ In the 1970s Kiwi rock began to take off, and some of the more influential bands were …Hello Sailor and Split Enz, fronted by Tim Finn, and later, his brother Neil Finn who went on to form Crowded House.")
Illegal activities must have consequences. Criminals should be arrested by naked constables and forced to listen to Kiwi rock with crocodiles in their pants.
See, everything comes together.
This week’s news has been nothing if not interesting.
