Defending the border, wherever it is (or The Onion Farm Cattle Ranch War)

George W. Bush, October 2006: "It's what the people in this country want," Bush said. "They want to know that we are modernizing the border so we can better secure the border."

Perhaps one small step towards modernizing the border might be to find out where it is.

From AP:

U.S. border fence protrudes into Mexico

The 1.5-mile barrier along the U.S.-Mexico border was designed to keep cars from illegally crossing into the United States. There's just one problem: It was accidentally built on Mexican soil.

Now embarrassed border officials say the mistake could cost the federal government more than $3 million to fix.

The barrier was part of more than 15 miles of border fence built in 2000, stretching from the town of Columbus to an onion farm and cattle ranch.

James Johnson, whose onion farm is in the disputed area, said he thinks his forefathers may have started the confusion in the 19th century by placing a barbed-wire fence south of the border. No one discovered their error, and crews erecting the barrier may have used that fence as a guideline.

"It was a mistake made in the 1800s," Johnson said. "It is very difficult to make a straight line between two points in rugged and mountainous areas that are about two miles apart."

The Mexican government was notified and did what any landowner would do: They sent a note politely insisting that Mexico get its land back.

"Our country will continue insisting for the removal (of the fence) to be done as quickly as possible," the Foreign Relations Department said in a diplomatic missive to Washington.

When the barrier was built in 2000, the project was believed to cost about $500,000 a mile. Estimates to uproot and replace it range from $2.5 million to $3.5 million.

(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070629/ap_on_re_us/misplaced_barrier)

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The Very Threatening Kitty of Winnipeg

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

We can’t argue with that. Our postman has just withstood the formidable challenge of walking down a tree-lined street on a sunny day with low humidity to bring us mail. Notice that we did not say it was our mail. But we digress, more about that later.

Canada has had mail delivery for over 500 years. The Hapsburg Empire’s first Postmaster General, Franz von Taxis, was given the exclusive right to deliver the royal mail in 1506. (Incidentally, and this is true, mail was only delivered to paying customers. You didn't get your mail if you didn't pay von Taxis.) Dog sleds were used to deliver mail in the Yukon Territory.

After half a millennium, Canada’s mail delivery service has been thwarted by a kitty.

This is a quote from the Winnipeg Free Press: “Canada's postal system has stopped delivering mail to a home in Winnipeg, Manitoba, after a mail carrier was scared away by a "very threatening cat…"

The Very Threatening Cat, whose name is Shadow, is eight years old and has been declawed. Shadow’s owner says that Shadow "likes to eat and sleep and cuddle.”

The mail carrier’s fear is understandable. What could be more frightening than a sleepy cuddly declawed kitty?

More from the Winnipeg Free Press: “A Canada Post spokeswoman said the agency was concerned about the safety of its carriers, although it hoped for an amicable solution."

Canada's postal system hopes to negotiate an agreement with a cat amicably?

A word of advice for Canada’s postal system: negotiate with the cat in good faith, but get the agreement in writing. If the settlement includes a catnip mouse, your mail carrier may escape relatively unharmed. That is as amicable as it is going to get. If you wait too long, the cuddly declawed kitty may be asleep, and where does that leave the mail carrier?

The mail we received today is addressed to a lady who lives in a bungalow two blocks away. We have never met her but because we have her mail, we now know that she reads The New Yorker and prefers John and Kira’s chocolates. We will deliver her mail this evening, after we feed the cat, and we expect that we will like her. John and Kira’s are really good chocolates.

Almost forgot to mention that the mayor of Winnipeg, home of the Very Threatening Kitty, is Sam Katz.

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For heaven’s sake, buy a new pair of pants, Mr. President

A friend sent us a photograph taken during the Queen’s recent visit to the United States. In the photograph, standing at the top of a staircase are, from left to right, Prince Philip, Laura Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, and George W. Bush. The Bushes are smiling.

Prince Philip is not. He clearly wants to be somewhere else and the expression on his face says that it doesn’t really matter where that somewhere else might be. He would prefer to be reading a biography of Winston Churchill, watching CSI: Miami, or having toes amputated. It wouldn’t matter to him. Laura Bush is wearing an aqua-colored dress that makes her look like a mermaid with hips as wide as a Greyhound bus.

The Queen is not smiling in this photograph. She is looking at W’s trousers. They don’t fit. Unless W’s legs have become two inches shorter, they are not his trousers. When we post the photo, look at his left leg. Either he hasn’t had them hemmed or he has borrowed pants from someone considerably taller.

This was the dinner menu:

Spring Pea Soup with Fernleaf Lavender
Chive Pizzelle with American Caviar

Newton Chardonnay “Unfiltered” 2004

Dover Sole Almondine
Roasted Artichokes, Pequillo Peppers and Olives

Saddle of Spring Lamb
Chanterelle Sauce
Fricassee of Baby Vegetables

Peter Michael “Les Pavots” 2003

Arugula, Savannah Mustard
and Mint Romaine

Champagne Dressing and Trio of Farmhouse Cheeses

“Rose Blossoms”

Schramsberg Brut Rosé 2004,

Mr. President, when you are having dinner with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, is it too much to ask that your trousers fit? Go upstairs and change your pants, and take your mermaid with you.

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Monster Bunnies

We couldn’t help noticing these headlines:

MSNBC drops Imus simulcast
No More Monster Bunnies for North Korea

North Korea’s possession of German-bred monster bunnies is the more interesting story, if for no reason other than that it explains North Korea's dependence on China: "China currently holds the biggest...carrot" (Yale Online). Unfortunately, there is speculation, but no proof, that North Korean officials may have eaten them. The giant monster bunnies, that is, not the carrot. (We are not making this up: “A German rabbit breeder sold 12 rabbits to North Korea to breed giant bunnies said he won't be exporting any more to the reclusive communist country because he suspects they have been eaten.” (http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,475218,00.html)

But while we love finding news involving German monster bunnies, we also love pointing out bad writing and people who have plainly gone walnuts.

Perusing one of Ann Coulter's blogs is like visiting Francisco Scaramanga’s island in the James Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun, a trap where perceptions are distorted by mirrors and trickery, it is not always clear what is real and what is not, and a midget cackles at you.

We know from personal experience that certain drug interactions will convince you that large black birds are flying straight into the windows and that the pattern on the wallpaper is moving and occasionally forming words. Ann Coulter's bookshelf must not contain a copy of the Physician's Desk Reference because there is no other way to explain how someone with the cognitive capacity to put shoes on the correct feet could equate Don Imus insulting a women's basketball team with Winston Churchill defending England from the Germans. (No, not the German monster bunnies.) This is from a post titled Ho Ho Ho, Merry Imus, in which Ann Coulter argues against courteousness.

“Say, does anyone remember if Winston Churchill was "nice" in his public pronouncements about Hitler?”

Was Reagan "nice" to the Soviets? They certainly didn't think so. The Soviets constantly denounced Reagan as "rude," and our dear friends at the BBC upbraided Reagan for his "rude attacks" on Fidel Castro, Nicaragua and the Soviet Union…'"

“Oh dear! Reagan wasn't "nice." No wonder he never accomplished anything.

(http://www.anncoulter.com/cgi-local/welcome.cgi)

Discourtesy saves the world! Again! We are so ready for the monster bunnies.

But even a monster bunny would fail to root out the metaphorical carrot in this garden. Insulting a women’s basketball team is somehow analogous to the British fighting the Germans in the Second World War? Impoliteness defeated the Nazis? Civility extended the Cold War?

(Pardon us for a moment; if our heads explode, perfectly good hats will be ruined, and it is hard to find good hats these days.)

We have no idea what carrot Ann Coulter is gnawing on. If we were feeling really bitchy, we would point out that she has just compared the Rutgers women’s basketball team to the Third Reich.

You could explore Ann Coulter’s ocean of murky thinking in a bathysphere without sinking to depths low enough to find anything meaningful. Don’t try it.

At that depth, there’s no light.

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Listening to the Owls

The people of Crawford, Texas, may know The Decider better than the rest of us, Ti-jean. "Sometimes, you just have to be by yourself," said Bill Johnson, owner of the Yellow Rose souvenir shop at the one-light crossroads in Crawford. "You've got to get out of the rat race, get some peace and quiet. He can just go and sit by the lake and hear the owls."

That explains a lot. The Western screech owl is a vicious, merciless killer without an ounce of pity in its heartless body. A Western screech owl carries it's prey up to its perch and rips it apart. They protect their nests, and they occasionally attack people for no apparent reason. If this sounds like another resident of Crawford, Texas, Ti-jean, it is not a coincidence.

Ti-jean, there are places in this world where strange and inexplicable things happen. To give you an example, migratory birds can fly hundreds of miles without consulting a map or asking other birds for directions. However, there is a village in India called Jatinga where, on dark foggy nights near the end of the monsoon season, migratory birds—tiger bittern, black bittern, little egret, pond heron, Indian pitta and kingfishers—fly straight into the ground and the villagers tear them apart for their meat. For reasons that no ornithologist has been able to explain, this phenomenon occurs only within a very limited area and only affects birds that should be familiar with the topography.

Something similarly strange and inexplicable is occurring in the Dali-esque landscape of the Justice Department, where gyroscopes do not work, the magnetic field is so distorted that compasses are useless, and the thick fog makes it impossible to navigate by the stars.

After the 2006 monsoon season, Harriet “The Hawk” Miers flew over the Justice Department scavenging for the weak and sickly but did not swoop, leaving the prey alive, momentarily, for the owls who hunt for small terrified creatures in complete darkness. The first eight field mice were ensnared and consumed by Owlberto Gonzales and his department of predatory birds who tend to be most active on Friday nights, when no one is looking.

Then, at the end of the monsoon season, knowing that larger owls prey on other owls, or maybe just succumbing to gravity, the smaller owls started to hit the ground.

Kyle Sampson, Owlberto’s Chief of Staff, plummeted on March 12; Michael A. Battle, Director of the Executive Office for U.S. Attorneys, fell to earth on March 16; Monica Goodling, the Justice Department's liaison to the White House, indicated that she would not hoot and jumped from her perch on April 6.

Most recently, three owls in Minnesota flew into the ground rather than spend sleepless nights listening to the new owl’s screeches.

Owls have natural predators, but newts are generally not among them, so it was a bit of a surprise to hear Newt call for the Owl to meet his taxidermist: "I cannot imagine how he is going to be effective for the rest of this administration…”

Salamanders are among the defenseless creatures that the Western screech owl preys upon. How fitting that a Newt takes on the Owl.

Ti-jean, it is a dark and foggy night. Sitting here by the lake, you can hear the owls screech, and you can hear the impact when they collide with the ground.

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Imaginary Grapefruit Adds a New Feature

Having conducted extensive polling and market research--all right, we asked one lady, but we like her--Imaginary Grapefruit will add a new feature: The Daily Presidential Quotation:

These are some of the candidates we considered to inaugurate The Daily Presidential Quotation:

Abraham Lincoln: “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Theodore Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”
John F. Kennedy: “We set sail on this new sea because there is knowledge to be gained.”

But we ultimately chose this one from George W. Bush's radio address:

"I like peanuts as much as the next guy…"

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Today's Irony

March 30, 2007 – Ti-jean, the irony is so thick you could cut it with whichever kitchen utensil is best suited for cutting thick irony. I don’t make a living cutting irony, so why ask me which utensil to use? But this is thick irony and it deserves to be cut and sent back into the ring where it will surely be knocked out in the first round. This is the permafrost of irony. It is the mantle, the crust, the asthensophere, and the lithosphere of irony. To put it another way, this irony is thick.

Today’s irony is that the company hired by the U.S. government to build a fence to keep illegal aliens from crossing the Southwest border hired illegal aliens to build a fence to keep themselves from crossing the border. No, really. I’m not kidding. Stop laughing, Ti-jean.

The head of a California company hired by the U.S. government to help build a fence along the Southwest border to curb the flow of illegal aliens into the United States has been sentenced on charges of hiring illegals for the job.

(The full story is here:
http://www.washingtontimes.com/national/20070330-124512-2035r.htm)

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers

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The Last Kiss

24 March, 2007 -- Recently disclosed documents and e-mails prove that Alberto “Suits” Gonzales and his capos lied, misled Congress, and kneecapped anyone disloyal to Don Bush with a 38-ounce Louisville Slugger, but “Suits” still enjoys the Don’s protection, at least for now. Dan Bartlett, the Don’s mouthpiece, said today that the Don still loves “Suits” like a son.

If you are Alberto “Suits” Gonzales, these should be unsettling words. Historically, receiving a compliment from the Don has been the equivalent of being kissed by Michael Corleone. It does not bode well for your future.

Consider the fates of other members of la famiglia repubblica whose lips have touched the Don’s.

The Don’s kiss upon Harriet “The Hawk” Miers’ nomination to the Supreme Court:

"I picked the best person I could find. People are going to be amazed at her strength of character and her intellect."

Not exactly, although people outside of la famiglia were amazed by her lack of judicial experience and her inability to provide thorough answers to questions. Nominated on October 3, 2005, “The Hawk” withdrew her nomination on October 27 and continued as White House consigliore until resigning in January 2007. If the rumors are true, she was exiled to Sicily and now lives near the Sanctuary of the Weeping Madonna. Of course, the rumors might not be true. One can never be sure.

The Don’s kiss upon former Ambassador to the United Nations John “The Messenger” Bolton:

I'm sending Ambassador Bolton to New York with my complete confidence.

“The Messenger” may have gone to New York with the Don’s complete confidence, but he didn’t go to New York with a Senate confirmation. He didn’t have one when he returned from New York either. A section of the turf in Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey has recently been replaced, but that is probably a coincidence.

The Don’s kiss upon former FEMA director Michael Brown:

"Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job."

This is actually a mistranslation. What the Don said was “Dovete essere andati in dieci giorni.” “You must be gone in ten days. "Non guardare indietro." "Do not look back.”

The Don’s kiss upon former Secretary of Defense Donald “Bullets” Rumsfeld:

“Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation.”

(Bonus kiss from caporegime Dick Cheney: “I think Donald Rumsfeld is the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had.")

“Bullets” departed after the Don and the caporegime made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. The offer was an Amtrak ticket and a ride to Union Station in a black car.

The Don’s kiss upon former Attorney General John “The Squealer” Ashcroft:

"A man of great integrity, a man of great judgment and a man who knows the law."

A man who wanted to use mail carriers as spies, a man who once lost a Senatorial election to Mel Carnahan despite the fact that Mel Carnahan was dead at the time, and a man who neatly summed up his time at the Justice Department by having a statue called The Spirit of Justice covered. La vita imita l'arte. Life imitates art.

The Don’s kiss upon Tom “The Exterminator” Delay:

I have confidence in Tom DeLay's leadership, and I have confidence in Tom DeLay.

The Don’s confidence notwithstanding, “The Exterminator” was indicted on charges of conspiracy and money laundering, but I’m sure he appreciates the Don’s confidence. He will receive a bag of oranges from an anonymous friend after he has been convicted, and he will be looking over his shoulder in the exercise yard.

In Sicily, it is called il bacio della morte. The kiss of death. Restituire i vostri libri delle biblioteche. Return your library books. Non li avrete bisogno di. You will not need them.

Alberto “Suits” Gonzales has said that he has no intention of resigning, but as his presence is a growing distraction to the Don, it will not be long before he wakes up looking into the eyes of a severed horse’s head. “Suits” may not be nervous yet, but the horses are.

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Reuters Runs Down the Mock Hare

The writers of Imaginary Grapefruit appreciate good journalism and laugh at bad journalism. We have been laughing a lot lately.

Yesterday morning, Politico.com posted the news that John Edwards would suspend his Presidential campaign due to Elizabeth Edwards’ illness, and other news hounds ran after the story like greyhounds running down hares. Unfortunately, there was one problem with the story. As all racing greyhounds eventually find out, the rabbit is not real.

But that didn’t stop Reuters’ greyhounds from chasing the mock hare:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards will suspend his presidential campaign, and may drop out completely, because his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence cancer that struck her in 2004, a Democratic Party source said on Thursday.

He is going to be ending or suspending his campaign," said the Democratic source in Iowa, adding Edwards and his campaign had alerted some supporters in the state of his decision. "The big mystery seems to be how serious Elizabeth's illness is."

Then Reuters’ hounds caught the rabbit and discovered the forgery:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards said on Thursday he would continue his presidential campaign even though his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence of cancer that first struck her in 2004.

"The campaign goes on. The campaign goes on strongly," Edwards, a former senator from North Carolina and the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee, said at a news conference in his hometown.

You have to admire Reuters. They’re right at least 50% of the time.

Reuters’ greyhounds were not the only dogs looking at the back end of a mock hare, but we have to throw a bone to MSNBC, which voluntarily sent itself to the dog house:

“Earlier Thursday, MSNBC.com incorrectly reported that Edwards would suspend his campaign because of his wife’s illness. The report was based on a statement an Edwards friend made to Politico.com, a political Web site, and a source who spoke to NBC.”

We also throw a bone to Ben Smith, who posted the rabbit on Politico.com and later acknowledged that it was hasenpfeffer: "My apologies to our readers for passing on bad information." While we will continue to mock Ben Smith—Ben, if you’re going to post an apology, the title should be “How I Jumped the Shark,” not “How Politico Got It Wrong”—we appreciate that he posted his own mea culpa.

We have not seen anything from Reuters that sounds remotely like “we're sorry that we didn’t check our facts.”

It is excusable to chase the mock hare, but a smart greyhound barks when it realizes it’s been fooled, then heads back to the kennel.

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PETA Rats Out Senator Durbin

The writer of Imaginary Grapefruit and Bessie, Defender of the Blog, do not always agree with PETA. We agree with the group philosophically, but its members have shown a knack for doing really incredibly stupid things. This time, however, we are on PETA’s side and we don’t care that we are in the minority.

PETA posted this on The Hill Blog (http://www.blog.thehill.com)) earlier today:

Take a Swing at Sen. Durbin for Killing Rat With Golf Club
March 21st, 2007

Like many compassionate people, we at PETA were shocked and disappointed to learn that according to a recent ABC News story, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) bragged about beating a rat to death with a golf club. PETA has written to Sen. Durbin and urged him to use only humane rat-control methods in the future so that he can set a good example for his constituents — especially impressionable young people.

PETA also points out that cruelly killing one rat won’t prevent more rats from taking up residence in the Washington, D.C., townhouse that Sen. Durbin shares with three other members of Congress—more rats will simply move in to fill the void. We urge Durbin to inform his landlord, Rep. George Miller, that he can easily and permanently end the rat infestation by sealing any openings larger than a dime in the foundation vents, roof, and sub-floor with caulk or a sturdy screening material. Sen. Durbin can help make the townhouse less attractive to rodents by cleaning up the “filth and squalor” that he says can be found throughout the dwelling. Any remaining rats can be caught in a humane trap and released outdoors.

Senator Durbin beat an animal to death with a golf club and found it amusing. This is an excerpt from the ABC News story:

Durbin, chipper in a red sweater, shared the tale of the night he confronted a large rat, killing the beast with a golf club.

"I'm not a good golfer," Durbin quips. "I had to three putt."
(http://www.abcnews.go.com/WNT/Politics/story?id=2942649&page=1)

Washington has a surplus of rats and, at the moment, most of them do not have fur. Most of them wear expensive suits, provide constituent services and occasionally play golf. Unlike one particular rat, we believe that beating a living creature to death with a golf club is not something to brag about and that it is not funny.

We agree with PETA and we are pleased that the Senator has been ratted out.

(Imaginary Grapefruit catches intruding rodents such as squirrels and mice using safe traps, drives them to a park, and releases them unharmed.)

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