Memo from Wild Bill Hickok to the Attorney General

Ti-jean, there is nothing new about corruption or duplicity. Knowing what happened to Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare was smart enough to not sit with his back to the door. Unlike Valerie Plame, he covered his back to the extent that, centuries later, scholars are still trying to figure out who he was. Wild Bill Hickok was equally wily but he was nevertheless caught with aces and eights, the dead man’s hand, and is buried next to Calamity Jane. Bad things can happen if you're not careful.

But it is surprising to find that the Attorney General of the United States has less common sense than Jack McCall and left his fingerprints on the gun used to send one of his aides, Kyle Sampson, to the bottom of the Potomac River.

The irony is thicker than the grass in the Black Hills of South Dakota. The Attorney General who argued for warrantless searches of telephone records and E-mails has been ambushed by E-mails between Sampson and former White House Counselor Harriet Miers. Never, ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean, and for heaven's sake, don't write your villainous plans in E-mails.

Eight Federal prosecutors were gunned down in the D.C. corral by the Justice Department because they were considered insufficiently loyal to Wild George. It could have been worse. “Calamity” Harriet Miers floated the idea of gunning down all 93 Federal prosecutors in 2004. That idea floated like a dead horse, but the fact that it floated at all, no matter how briefly, is frightening.

Imagine that, Ti-jean—a White House counselor who was nominated for a lifetime gig on the Supreme Court recommended that competent prosecutors with good performance reviews be fired for not being “team players.” Lady Justice removed her blindfold and had her finger on the trigger.

Two victims of the shootout in the corral were U.S. attorneys Carol Lam and David Iglesias. Carol Lam was the prosecutor who sent Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham to purgatory and asked some inconvenient questions in the process, and David Iglesias had the misfortune of having his back to the door when Sen. Pete Domenici entered the saloon and pulled his single-action pistol from its loop holster. Do not ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean. I cannot stress that enough.

The Attorney General of the United States has acknowledged that “mistakes have been made.” The captain of the Titanic also acknowledged that “mistakes have been made,” but culpability makes no difference when the ship is sinking.

So, what are the cards in Alberto Gonzales' hand? Aces and eights. That's always bad luck, and he's sitting with his back to the door. Wild Bill Hickok can explain why that’s unwise, as can Calamity Jane. Unfortunate things can happen when you're not careful.

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Postscript: Ti-jean, shortly after I wrote this, Paul Perez, a U.S. Attorney in Florida, announced that he would resign to take a job at Fidelity National Financial Inc. The timing may have been coincidental, but from my window in Grande Bouche, it looks like Paul Perez realized that he too was holding aces and eights and had the good sense to ride out of Deadwood in a hurry.

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Will the Decider's Albatross Catch a Greyhound to Wyoming?

Just for fun on a cold Sunday morning, let’s shake our Magic 8-ball and ask it a question. Magic 8-ball, will Dick Cheney resign?

Following Scooter Libby’s conviction on Tuesday, there’s been growing speculation that Vice President Cheney might be next in line to be hooded and left dangling from the hangman’s noose. He was not indicted and did not testify, but a President with a 33% approval rating cannot afford to keep throwing squid to his albatross indefinitely. There are too many albatross, and not enough squid.

Under normal circumstances, it would be unlikely that the man often described as the most influential VP in history would pack his bags and board a Greyhound bus back to Wyoming, either willingly or unwillingly. The puppet seldom fires the puppeteer, and the puppeteer seldom cuts the strings voluntarily.

But these are not normal times. The 2008 Presidential election will be the first since 1928 in which neither the sitting President nor the sitting VP will be running.

That could change. The VP could plausibly resign for “health reasons” given that his medical problems are well documented, thereby allowing the President to nominate a replacement. In that case, the logical nominee would be Condoleeza Rice, since she’s next in line among Republicans in the order of succession, and this President likes to keep his friends nearby. However, Condi’s confirmation hearings would not be gentle and would give Democrats an opportunity to ask questions that she would prefer not to answer.

On the other hand, it would be hard for a closely divided Senate to reject Rudy Giuliani. He’s popular, relatively moderate and doesn’t have to defend any position on the 2002 Iraq resolution. As of this moment, he holds a substantial lead over Sen. John McCain and no other Republican candidate is even remotely close. If confirmed, Rudy would have the nomination in his back pocket and, as the incumbent VP, he would have a strong advantage over the Democratic challenger. By replacing Cheney with Giuliani, The Decider would not only rid himself of an albatross, but get to hand-pick his own successor at the same time.

Of course, this would effectively take McCain out of the race, which could be awkward for the President since McCain is one of the few senators still supporting his Iraq policy, but there’s an obvious solution. If you think you’re about to read the words “Giuliani/McCain in 2008,” you’re right.

There’s one other scenario that’s all but impossible but still fun to contemplate. George W. Bush could nominate George H.W. Bush to replace Cheney, then Dad could send Junior to his room. George H.W. Bush may have been a one-term President, but he knew the shortest route out of Iraq.

By the way, the reply from the Magic 8-ball was “cannot predict now.”

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Bush Administration: Polar Bears are Covert CIA Operatives

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

George W. Bush loves freedom of speech as much as Ann Coulter loves John Edwards. As much as Aaron Burr loved Alexander Hamilton. As much as Godzilla loved Mothra.

“…if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.” George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

This administration has more leaks than a rusty bucket and only one hole has been plugged. This is the week in which I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the President’s assistant and the Vice President’s Chief of Staff, was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice. Vice President Cheney and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove were implicated but not charged. Laws were broken but, borrowing a phrase from Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, the verdict on Cheney and Rove was “not proved.” At this moment, Cheney and Rove are having the Tuna Nicoise at Bistro Bis on E Street while Scooter is getting a clock face with no hands tattooed on his left arm and The Decider has made no decisions other than to decide to do nothing, at least for the time being.

This is also the week during which it was revealed that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service requires U.S. scientists attending meetings abroad to provide assurances that they will not discuss polar bears or melting sea ice unless their comments agree with the Bush administration’s positions.

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

It has been less than two weeks since Al Gore’s documentary on global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth,” won an Oscar. It is possible that someone has seen it. It is also possible that someone has Googled the words “melting polar ice.”

Compared to l'affaire de Plame, l'affaire de nanuq is relatively simple. As sea ice melts, polar bears are forced to swim greater distances between ice floes, and they are drowning. But scientists from the United States travelling abroad have to assure the Fish and Wildlife Service that they understand the administration’s positions before speaking. The Bush administration’s position, borrowing a phrase from Senator Specter, is that human responsibility for global warming is “not proved.”

How’s that for symmetry?

If CIA operative Valerie Plame had been a polar bear--and it is worth noting that the collective noun for a group of bears is a sleuth--discussing her ursine status would have been off-limits and she would be sitting happily on an ice floe eating ringed seals. (Seals are a good source of omega-3 fatty acids.) It’s permissible for insiders to discuss a covert CIA operative with reporters, but it’s not permissible for scientists to discuss melting sea ice and drowning polar bears.

So, does a bear obfuscate in the woods?

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

“Scripture teaches us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go...” -- Galileo Galilei, 1633, before being forced to recant his theory of heliocentrism.

Galileo would be disappointed to see how little has changed in 374 years.

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Sunday Morning: Would You Like Another Cup of Tea Before the Apocalypse, Dear?

March 4, 2007 – Ti-jean, please pass the newspaper. Let’s see this morning’s headlines.

North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear facilities in exchange for fuel oil.

How nice of Kim Jong Il. Of course, North Korea doesn’t exactly have a history of honoring its agreements, having already withdrawn from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and other commitments, and will almost certainly threaten to resume processing uranium the next time it needs food or oil. Still, allowing the UN to resume inspections for the time being is a good thing. Let’s see the next headline:

Pakistan tests nuclear capable ballistic warhead.

That’s not good. Pakistan and India have been the Hatfields and the McCoys of South Asia since 1947, and both possess nuclear weapons. Considering that India is the second-most populous country on Earth, it would only take one nuclear capable ballistic warhead for Shiva to have a really bad day.

Muammar al-Qadhafi claims that Libya has not been properly compensated for giving up its nuclear weapons programs.

Postcard to Iran and North Korea: please don’t develop nuclear technology. Don’t be concerned that we didn’t keep our promises to Libya. Hugs and kisses, George W. Bush.

(Pardon me while I digress. Considering that Muammar al-Qadhafi has been Libya’s leader since 1969, you would expect that there would be some agreement on the proper spelling of his name by now. There isn’t. I’ve found seven different spellings. I say Qaddafi, you say Khadafi, let’s call the whole thing off.)

Please turn the page, Ti-jean.

U.S. Selects a New Nuclear Warhead Design

What? There’s a brilliant example of poor timing, announcing a new nuclear warhead design while simultaneously lobbying for UN sanctions against Iran and North Korea for developing nuclear weapons. Worse, didn’t North Korea cite “hostile U.S. policy” as its reason for conducting nuclear tests? What a spectacular moment for the United States to announce that it’s upgrading its arsenal.

Ti-jean, does it strike you as odd that the most enlightened quote is from Muammar al-Qadhafi: "Libya will never go back. I believe that the era of hostility and confrontation is behind us.” It’s a strange world when Muammar al-Qadhafi is the voice of reason.

Hand me the comics, Ti-jean. Care for more tea before the apocalypse, dear?

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Swiss Army Fails to Capture Liechtenstein, Goes Home

March 3, 2007 – Switzerland, a country known for its neutrality and its fromage suisse, invaded Liechtenstein yesterday. No one in Liechtenstein noticed. Stop laughing.

The invasion was inadvertent, according to the Swiss government, which explained that 170 of its infantry soldiers got lost (the one accessory Swiss army knives lack is a compass, but most have corkscrews, which are handy when opening bottles of riesling) and accidentally invaded the country next door. After asking for directions, the soldiers turned around and went home to make cocoa, or possibly to open a bottle of riesling.

Liechtenstein has a population of about 35,000, making it nearly as large as Pennsauken, New Jersey. (Come on, Switzerland, pick on someone your own size!) Out of the 35,000 residents of Liechtenstein, only about 23,100 are actually from Liechtenstein. The rest are from Switzerland, Austria, Germany and Italy. Still, the Swiss infantry was outnumbered.

The Swiss soldiers were carrying assault rifles but had no ammunition. That’s not necessarily a disadvantage when invading Liechtenstein, since the country disbanded its military in 1868. On the other hand, Liechtenstein’s largest company, Hilti, makes nail guns, which may explain the Swiss’ hasty retreat.

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Dining Out in Grande Bouche

Ti-jean, I have just found the strangest restaurant in the northern hemisphere and I am delighted that it is right here in Grande Bouche. I realize that a claim this extravagant requires proof, so I'm going to post a photograph of the sign. Otherwise it would be like going home and saying “Honey, guess what I just saw. A giant monkey on top of a skyscraper swatting at airplanes.” The jury needs to see the evidence.

The restaurant is called Louisiana Style Chinese Takeout. I drove past it twice to make sure I read the sign correctly.

I'm still trying to visualize the point on the culinary Venn diagram where Creole and Chinese cuisines intersect. I believe it's the point where an Iron Chef explodes and a shiitake mushroom cloud is visible for miles. And I'm completely unable to think about it without hearing the Beatles' "Come Together" with slightly altered lyrics:

"He use no soy sauce, he make muffulettas,
He got stir-fried noodles, he chew tofu gumbo,
He eat crawfish ettoufee,
Want to get turducken, but it’s too hard to say!
Come together, right now, over me."

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Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan: Kiefer, You're Setting a Bad Example for the Army

What you are about to read is true. I had to say that, because anyone who has evolved beyond homo erectus and has the intelligence to wear shoes on the correct feet will read this and think “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I repeat, to the best of my knowledge, it is true.

Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan thinks that the acts of torture shown on 24 set a bad example for the Army. This is a direct quote: “I’d like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires.” Kiefer Sutherland has been invited by the Army to discuss why torture is a bad thing.

At this point, you have just said to yourself “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I warned you. If that wasn’t your first thought, look down. Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

According to Human Rights First, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized such interrogation techniques as sleep deprivation, dietary manipulation, isolation, and exposure to extreme temperatures. Alberto Gonzales and George W. Bush have issued memos stating that Geneva Convention III on the Treatment of Prisoners of War is inapplicable to al Qaeda or the Taliban. A report by a Department of Defense working group describes 35 interrogation techniques including face and stomach slapping, removal of clothing, and hooding. Other approved interrogation techniques include the use of dogs for intimidation, waterboarding and denial of medication. Then there are the extraordinary renditions, the ghost detainees hidden from the Red Cross, the secret prisons in Central Europe, and the deportation of the Kulaks.

I’ll bet I snuck that last one past you. The Kulaks were deported to Siberia and Central Asia by Josef Stalin. Interesting that it didn’t sound out of place.

Since the President, the Vice President, the current Attorney General, and the former Secretary of Defense have all been seen singing Cole Porter’s Anything Goes on karaoke night, it is laughable to think that no one will sing along.

But a Brigadier General thinks that 24 is sending the wrong message to the Army. If 24 sets a bad example, I hope no one in the Army has seen The Silence of the Lambs.

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How to run for President in 2008—don’t tell anyone you're running for President in 2008.

As of today, there are grassroots campaigns to draft Al Gore, Wesley Clark, Russ Feingold, Mark Warner, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul. None of them have said that they are running. Meanwhile, Chris Dodd and Dennis Kucinich can't get a glass of water in an IHOP, and Tom Vilsack's attempt to win the White House was as successful as Barbaro's attempt to win the Preakness Stakes. The conclusion is that in order to rally your potential voters, your best bet is to declare that you aren’t a candidate.

Al Gore has already said—repeatedly—that he has no intention of running in 2008, but his supporters continue to debate his verb conjugations and consult their Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, and the result is always “reply hazy, try again.” We will probably see the inner Gore more clearly after An Inconvenient Truth wins the Oscar for best documentary tomorrow night.

So let’s forget about Gore for the moment and talk about General Wesley Clark.

Clark’s political action committee, WesPAC, has launched a Web site, StopIranWar.com, on which General Clark makes an eloquent case for diplomacy rather than military action against Iran, and asks visitors to sign a petition to the President.

General Clark’s advice is sound, and the petition is totally pointless.

George W’s approval rating has gone from 90% to 31%, and Dick Cheney’s is around 29%. Throw in the margin of error and their approval ratings are about the same as Vladimir Putin’s. They are clearly not obsessed with public opinion, and they have no reason to be since neither is running for reelection.

It’s already obvious that most people think the Iraq war wasn’t worth it, most people think the troops should be withdrawn, and most people are against the “surge.” Moreover, CNN and CBS polls already show that a majority favor diplomacy over military action in Iran. Has any of this mattered? No, so is one more petition really likely to have any effect?

Of course not, and General Clark knows it. But as a potential candidate for President, Clark has an advantage—unlike Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd and John Edwards, he didn’t vote in favor of the 2002 Iraq Resolution, so he can’t be accused of flip-flopping. He doesn’t have to say he made a mistake.

So, assuming that General Clark has seen the polls, knows which way the wind is blowing, and knows that the Bush administration couldn’t care less about public opinion, why start a petition? There’s only one possible answer. Oh, you're way ahead of me.

Unfortunately, General Clark’s arrow is aimed at the wrong target. In these times, the deadliest arrow in the quiver is a checkbook. Don’t bother petitioning the President, General Clark, petition the senators on the appropriations committee.

(Here's the link to the Senate Appropriations Committee: http://appropriations.senate.gov/index.cfm)

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You Must Be At Least 18

To enter this site, you must be at least 18 years old. Are you at least 18 years old?

(a) Yes
(b) No

You don’t look it. Really?

(a) Yes
(b) No

Oh, come on.

(a) No, really!

Fine. Answer this: which one of Charlie’s Angels was the “smart” one?

(a) Shirley Jackson
(b) Kate Jackson
(c) Andrew Jackson
(d) Tito Jackson

I still don’t believe you. Match these unfortunate Presidential quotations to the correct President:

(a) “I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.”
(b) “Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.”
(c) “You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent.”
(d) “I would have made a good Pope.”

(1) Richard M. Nixon
(2) Richard M. Nixon
(3) Richard M. Nixon
(4) Richard M. Nixon

All right, that was correct. What’s the difference between “Abscam” and “Absolutely Fabulous?”

(a) None. Both featured way too many polyester suits.

Right again. What is celebrated on April 22?

(a) Earth Day
(b) Doris Day

Are you really over 18?

(a) Yes.
(b) Let me tell you what I’m wearing.

Like sushi? I know a place that makes awesome tekka-maki.

(a) Pick me up in 30 minutes.
(b) Bring the umeshu.

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Addresses Shareholders

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing Addresses Shareholders, Announces Plans for Canterbury Tales Makeover.

1 hour 18 minutes ago

Grande Bouche, NJ -- The CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing has just concluded his annual address to shareholders and is at this moment giving an informal lecture on the difference between riesling and pinot gris. The address to I-Grape shareholders ended with a surprising announcement of an ambitious plan to remake Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, and the electricity in the air was palpable. Here are some of the highlights of the CEO’s address:

“It’s been another good year for Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing, and we’ve had some great successes. Show me a driver in this country who doesn’t have a copy of The Importance of Properly Inflated Tires. I’m particularly proud of the success we’ve had with 1001 Uses for Oatmeal That You’ve Never Considered. And our e-publishing division recently launched a new Web site for healthcare consumers, www.howtoapplyaband-aid.com.” (Applause.)

“Nevertheless, we at Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing recognize that some of our titles are not selling as well as they used to, and need to be updated. That’s why the first project on our editorial calendar for the new year is a makeover of The Canterbury Tales. This property has done well for us over the past 600 years, and we think it still has legs. ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’ always gets high marks in consumer satisfaction surveys. But ‘The Reeve’s Tale,’ ‘The Franklin’s Tale,’ ‘The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale,’ and ‘The Manciple’s Tale’— they’re so 1386. Really, what is a manciple? You tell me. We need some fresh ideas.”

“We’ve received permission from Chaucer’s estate to update these laggards with exciting new tales that we think will revitalize the entire Canterbury franchise. The first releases will be ‘The Personal Investment Counselor’s Tale,’ ‘The Satellite Dish Installer’s Tale,’ ‘The Congressional Page’s Tale,’ and ‘The Graphic Novelist’s Tale.’” (Applause.)

“We expect to have iPod compatible downloads of the new Canterbury Tales available by Q3. Enjoy the reception, and please take one of the Chaucer bobblehead figurines on your way out. Thank you.” (Standing ovation.)

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