Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan: Kiefer, You're Setting a Bad Example for the Army

What you are about to read is true. I had to say that, because anyone who has evolved beyond homo erectus and has the intelligence to wear shoes on the correct feet will read this and think “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I repeat, to the best of my knowledge, it is true.

Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan thinks that the acts of torture shown on 24 set a bad example for the Army. This is a direct quote: “I’d like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires.” Kiefer Sutherland has been invited by the Army to discuss why torture is a bad thing.

At this point, you have just said to yourself “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I warned you. If that wasn’t your first thought, look down. Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

According to Human Rights First, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized such interrogation techniques as sleep deprivation, dietary manipulation, isolation, and exposure to extreme temperatures. Alberto Gonzales and George W. Bush have issued memos stating that Geneva Convention III on the Treatment of Prisoners of War is inapplicable to al Qaeda or the Taliban. A report by a Department of Defense working group describes 35 interrogation techniques including face and stomach slapping, removal of clothing, and hooding. Other approved interrogation techniques include the use of dogs for intimidation, waterboarding and denial of medication. Then there are the extraordinary renditions, the ghost detainees hidden from the Red Cross, the secret prisons in Central Europe, and the deportation of the Kulaks.

I’ll bet I snuck that last one past you. The Kulaks were deported to Siberia and Central Asia by Josef Stalin. Interesting that it didn’t sound out of place.

Since the President, the Vice President, the current Attorney General, and the former Secretary of Defense have all been seen singing Cole Porter’s Anything Goes on karaoke night, it is laughable to think that no one will sing along.

But a Brigadier General thinks that 24 is sending the wrong message to the Army. If 24 sets a bad example, I hope no one in the Army has seen The Silence of the Lambs.

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How to run for President in 2008—don’t tell anyone you're running for President in 2008.

As of today, there are grassroots campaigns to draft Al Gore, Wesley Clark, Russ Feingold, Mark Warner, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul. None of them have said that they are running. Meanwhile, Chris Dodd and Dennis Kucinich can't get a glass of water in an IHOP, and Tom Vilsack's attempt to win the White House was as successful as Barbaro's attempt to win the Preakness Stakes. The conclusion is that in order to rally your potential voters, your best bet is to declare that you aren’t a candidate.

Al Gore has already said—repeatedly—that he has no intention of running in 2008, but his supporters continue to debate his verb conjugations and consult their Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, and the result is always “reply hazy, try again.” We will probably see the inner Gore more clearly after An Inconvenient Truth wins the Oscar for best documentary tomorrow night.

So let’s forget about Gore for the moment and talk about General Wesley Clark.

Clark’s political action committee, WesPAC, has launched a Web site, StopIranWar.com, on which General Clark makes an eloquent case for diplomacy rather than military action against Iran, and asks visitors to sign a petition to the President.

General Clark’s advice is sound, and the petition is totally pointless.

George W’s approval rating has gone from 90% to 31%, and Dick Cheney’s is around 29%. Throw in the margin of error and their approval ratings are about the same as Vladimir Putin’s. They are clearly not obsessed with public opinion, and they have no reason to be since neither is running for reelection.

It’s already obvious that most people think the Iraq war wasn’t worth it, most people think the troops should be withdrawn, and most people are against the “surge.” Moreover, CNN and CBS polls already show that a majority favor diplomacy over military action in Iran. Has any of this mattered? No, so is one more petition really likely to have any effect?

Of course not, and General Clark knows it. But as a potential candidate for President, Clark has an advantage—unlike Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd and John Edwards, he didn’t vote in favor of the 2002 Iraq Resolution, so he can’t be accused of flip-flopping. He doesn’t have to say he made a mistake.

So, assuming that General Clark has seen the polls, knows which way the wind is blowing, and knows that the Bush administration couldn’t care less about public opinion, why start a petition? There’s only one possible answer. Oh, you're way ahead of me.

Unfortunately, General Clark’s arrow is aimed at the wrong target. In these times, the deadliest arrow in the quiver is a checkbook. Don’t bother petitioning the President, General Clark, petition the senators on the appropriations committee.

(Here's the link to the Senate Appropriations Committee: http://appropriations.senate.gov/index.cfm)

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You Must Be At Least 18

To enter this site, you must be at least 18 years old. Are you at least 18 years old?

(a) Yes
(b) No

You don’t look it. Really?

(a) Yes
(b) No

Oh, come on.

(a) No, really!

Fine. Answer this: which one of Charlie’s Angels was the “smart” one?

(a) Shirley Jackson
(b) Kate Jackson
(c) Andrew Jackson
(d) Tito Jackson

I still don’t believe you. Match these unfortunate Presidential quotations to the correct President:

(a) “I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.”
(b) “Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.”
(c) “You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent.”
(d) “I would have made a good Pope.”

(1) Richard M. Nixon
(2) Richard M. Nixon
(3) Richard M. Nixon
(4) Richard M. Nixon

All right, that was correct. What’s the difference between “Abscam” and “Absolutely Fabulous?”

(a) None. Both featured way too many polyester suits.

Right again. What is celebrated on April 22?

(a) Earth Day
(b) Doris Day

Are you really over 18?

(a) Yes.
(b) Let me tell you what I’m wearing.

Like sushi? I know a place that makes awesome tekka-maki.

(a) Pick me up in 30 minutes.
(b) Bring the umeshu.

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Addresses Shareholders

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing Addresses Shareholders, Announces Plans for Canterbury Tales Makeover.

1 hour 18 minutes ago

Grande Bouche, NJ -- The CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing has just concluded his annual address to shareholders and is at this moment giving an informal lecture on the difference between riesling and pinot gris. The address to I-Grape shareholders ended with a surprising announcement of an ambitious plan to remake Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, and the electricity in the air was palpable. Here are some of the highlights of the CEO’s address:

“It’s been another good year for Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing, and we’ve had some great successes. Show me a driver in this country who doesn’t have a copy of The Importance of Properly Inflated Tires. I’m particularly proud of the success we’ve had with 1001 Uses for Oatmeal That You’ve Never Considered. And our e-publishing division recently launched a new Web site for healthcare consumers, www.howtoapplyaband-aid.com.” (Applause.)

“Nevertheless, we at Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing recognize that some of our titles are not selling as well as they used to, and need to be updated. That’s why the first project on our editorial calendar for the new year is a makeover of The Canterbury Tales. This property has done well for us over the past 600 years, and we think it still has legs. ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’ always gets high marks in consumer satisfaction surveys. But ‘The Reeve’s Tale,’ ‘The Franklin’s Tale,’ ‘The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale,’ and ‘The Manciple’s Tale’— they’re so 1386. Really, what is a manciple? You tell me. We need some fresh ideas.”

“We’ve received permission from Chaucer’s estate to update these laggards with exciting new tales that we think will revitalize the entire Canterbury franchise. The first releases will be ‘The Personal Investment Counselor’s Tale,’ ‘The Satellite Dish Installer’s Tale,’ ‘The Congressional Page’s Tale,’ and ‘The Graphic Novelist’s Tale.’” (Applause.)

“We expect to have iPod compatible downloads of the new Canterbury Tales available by Q3. Enjoy the reception, and please take one of the Chaucer bobblehead figurines on your way out. Thank you.” (Standing ovation.)

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Lament

In 1922, T.S. Eliot wrote “April is the cruelest month…” If you happen to be unfortunate enough to play for the Philadelphia Flyers this season, January is the cruelest month. So far. The Flyers ended the month having fared slightly worse than the Dutch during the Sack of Antwerp and currently have the worst record in the National Hockey League.

Haiku for Flyers Chairman Ed Snider

Chairman of the Board
Ed Snider with silver hair
What is with your team?

Please do not blame Esche
This team could not score a goal
If the puck had eyes.

Dear Ed, in your heart
You must know no hope is left
Let’s melt the ice now.

Have a Teacake, Karl

It’s so quaint to hear Democrats and Republicans arguing over grammar. Would you care for tea, Mr. Rove? Please have another scone, Madame Speaker. Now, about your sentence structure, Karl—may I call you Karl?

During the State of the Union Address, President Bush said “I want to congratulate the new Democrat majority.” This is grammatically incorrect. Democrat is a noun, Democratic is an adjective. A majority of Democrats is correct usage, but a Democrat majority is not.

But this is something more than another example of George W’s language abuse, his idiomatic Abu Ghraib where words are tortured with whips and dogs. It’s linguistic disingenuousness used by Joe McCarthy, a verbal gimmick intended to imply that Democrats are not necessarily Democratic; that is, that they don’t relate to a broad population. Predictably, Democrats feel that they’ve been undemocratically dissed. They're a bit touchy right now. After all, it's only been a few weeks since CNN and Yahoo! News both confused Barack Obama with Osama Bin Laden.

This lexiconic skirmish does not bode well for bipartisanship. Since George W. has repeatedly requested tax cuts, he should request a repeal of his own syntax.

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The Banzai Pipeline of Channel Surfing

Just in from the Associated Press:

The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies.

Discussions by a committee appointed earlier this month by the city commission to plan the event have even covered issues such as a theme to be printed on T-shirts, what musicians would perform, the cost and how long the celebration would last.

If Fidel Castro summoned up the nobleza to die on Sunday, the Official Death Party could occur simultaneously with Super Bowl XLI, with roughly 3,500 media representatives (more than three times the population of North Key Largo) in the Miami area to cover the two events. What a great way to show the world that Americans really are caring, sensitive people. The only way to make this scenario more interesting would be to have the NFL transport Castro by MedEvac helicopter to Dolphin Stadium so that he could expire during halftime. Why not? The worst that could happen would be a cigar malfunction.

It is time to change the batteries in the TV remote. Sunday may be the Banzai Pipeline of channel surfing.

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The Sciurus Carolinensis Diet

Memo from the Imaginary Grapefruit office in Grande Bouche, New Jersey:

Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.

Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.

This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.

The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.

And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?

Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?

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Get Well Quickly, Riley B. King

I happened to be listening to a T-Bone Walker record when I heard that B.B. King was hospitalized in Galveston, Texas yesterday with a 100.4 degree fever. He was expected to be released today. Performances scheduled for tonight and tomorrow night have been postponed, but B.B. still plans to be playing the blues in Fort Worth on Tuesday.

In 1949, the year in which B.B. King first recorded for Bullet Records in Nashville, Tennessee, Harry Truman was President, Ted Williams led the American League in home runs, Gene Autry recorded “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” the Berlin Airlift ended, and Israel was admitted to the United Nations. He has made many records since then; all have been good, some have been great, and I will argue that Live at the Regal, recorded in 1964 and released in 1965, is one of the best albums ever recorded in any genre. And in 2007, he is still the Beale Street Blues Boy.

Get well quickly, Riley B. King.

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Overheard at the Oxygen Bar

We were talking about dogs, beer, and President George W.

Actually, we were talking about the other President George W.

Here’s an interesting comparison:

· Number of words in George Washington’s second Presidential Inaugural Address: 135

· Number of words in a recent Associated Press article bearing the headline “Pet Shop Owner Creates Beer for Dogs: 145.

The obvious conclusion is that there is more to say about beer for dogs.

George Washington brewed a pumpkin porter and also distilled whiskey, either of which might account for his having delivered the shortest inaugural address in U.S. history.

Among those captured during the Battle of Germantown in 1777 was a dog belonging to English General William Howe. Despite having lost the battle, George Washington returned Howe’s dog with a brief note. A draft copy of the note is in Alexander Hamilton’s handwriting, marking the only time in U.S. history that a future President and a future Secretary of the Treasury have written a note about a dog. It is not known whether General Howe’s dog sampled the pumpkin porter while in Washington’s custody, but it is not out of the question, since Washington’s own dogs were named Drunkard, Tipsy, Tippler, and Taster.

The name of General Howe’s dog is not known. The beer for dogs is called Kwispelbier, Kwispel being a Dutch word for wagging a tail.