The importance of proofreading

The Associated Press has just reported that toddlers can no longer marry in Arkansas.

That sentence may require an explanation.

A bill intended to require that the youngest Romeos and Juliets in Arkansas be at least 18 instead removed the age requirement entirely. Rather than requiring that Romeo and Juliet be at least 18, the bill, as written, required only that the Montagues and Capulets consent to the marriage and that Juliet must not have a buttermilk biscuit in the oven until she's an 18-year old Capulet.

Not exactly what was intended. See, proofreading matters.

But the misuse of the English language is not the interesting part of this story. The interesting part is that majorities of Arkansas’ state representatives and state senators approved the bill, the governor signed it, and no one noticed the error.

The problem has been resolved; the bill has been repealed. Arkansas’ Romeos now have to be 17 and its Juliets must have had a Sweet 16 party.

With that out of the way, we can focus on other things, like this headline we found in the on-line version of Pravda: People marry animals trying to find happiness. (We are also fond of another Pravda headline: Mutants live in the underworld of Moscow. We couldn't make this stuff up.)

Considering that the on-line version of Pravda describes UFO Digest as an “information partner,” we are not entirely convinced that people marry animals trying to find happiness. We do, however, like this sentence: "If you want happiness, you will love even a goat...however, it is unknown whether marriage with a goat is happy or not..."

And there’s this headline from BBC News which, to our knowledge, has never suggested that mutants live in the underworld of Moscow and rarely mentions goats: UAE stages camel beauty contest. Today's most obvious quip: "Say, there's a camel I'd walk a mile for..."


"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it." -- Confucius

This is becoming silly. We have strayed way too far from the original topic.

Incidentally, the representative who sponsored the bill that temporarily eliminated minimum age requirements for marriages in Arkansas was Will Bond.

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What the Democratic Party doesn't want you to know about Barack Obama...

The Democratic party does not want this to be discussed, but the facts cannot be disputed. Barack Obama may eventually be the party's nominee for President of the United States, but there is no way to argue that he is not one stinker of a bowler. Barack Obama couldn't hit the ten-pin if he drove a Toyota Prius down the lane.


The above photograph was taken at a bowling alley in Altoona, Pennsylvania, where the senator from Illinois rolled a 37. It is pretty hard to roll a 37 without turning 180 degrees and flinging bowling balls at the vending machines. It might be possible if one were to toss hamsters at the pins.

This is not something to be taken lightly. If Vladimir Putin had rolled a 37, the ball would be found with a new hole just after midnight and there would be no witnesses.

Is a candidate who rolls a 37 in an Altoona bowling alley the person best qualified to lead a nation?

That seemed like a reasonable question, so we set out to determine the number of nuclear weapons that the United States currently possesses and discovered that the United States possesses a hell of a lot of nuclear weapons. A missile with a nuclear warhead has a maximum range of approximately 12,000 to 13,000 kilometers. (That's what we've been told. Missiles are not our forte.)

In our opinion, if you can't hit a bowling pin 60 feet away, you need to fork over the keys to the nuclear weapons. You aren't going to hit a target 13,000 kilometers away. When you can roll a strike from a distance of 60 feet, you can have the keys to the nuclear weapons back, but only if you promise to not use them.

Think we're making too much of this? Dennis Kucinich, a Congressman from Ohio and an unlucky presidential candidate wouldn't agree--his Web site has a list of bowling alleys in his state's 10th Congressional district and links to eight other bowling Web sites including the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame. (We aren't kidding: http://kucinich.house.gov/Polka/bowlingalleys.htm)

In fact, the link between bowling and the White House goes back more than 60 years. A bowling alley was built in the West Wing in 1947 for Harry Truman, and there is currently a one-lane bowling alley in the basement, under the North Portico.


(Notice that Nixon is in color and the guy on the right isn't.)

After hearing that Barack Obama rolled a 37, Hillary Clinton challenged the senator from Illinois to a bowling match and, if it happens, our money is on the senator from New York.

Bowling for the White House! We like the idea.

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Eight Arms to Hold You

Coming soon to a PC near you.

Hey, it's Saturday and a blue dog is all we have...give us a break...

Imaginary Grapefruit tries to entertain and inform readers. One or the other. Sometimes both happen at the same time, but not often.

Posting a painting of a blue dog does not help us achieve either goal, but we don't care, we just like the painting, and it's all we have at the moment.



The painting is by George Rodrigue, and we stole it from Roger McGuinn's Folk Den. A link to McGuinn's Folk Den is in the left hand column. We think it's a pretty cool Web site. If you e-mail Roger, mention Imaginary Grapefruit. Don't mention the blue dog.

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The Imaginary Grapefruit list of interesting but ultimately rejected book titles

We are going to forget about politics for one day because there is no significant news. The only news is that Nancy Reagan has endorsed John McCain. Big deal. He had the nomination in his pocket without her endorsement. Now, if Nancy Reagan had endorsed Yoko Ono, that would have been interesting. Probably not as interesting as listening to Yoko Ono, but interesting enough. Didn’t happen.

Given the dearth of news today, the staff of Imaginary Grapefruit did the only thing possible under the circumstances—we plundered the cuisneoir, stole all the Dubliner, Tipperary cheddar and Stinking Bishop cheeses, the Pinot Blanc and the Syrah, and headed upstairs to the library.

As we always prefer the obscure and the obsolete, we listened to a vinyl copy of Richard Thompson Starring as Henry the Human Fly—rumored to be the worst selling record in the label’s history—ate the cheeses, drank the wine, roamed through the book shelves and came up with a list of our ten favorite rejected book titles. After finishing the Tipperary cheddar and the Pinot Blanc, we decided to call this “Our Ten Favorite Rejected Book Titles.” What clever swine we are.

So here's our list:

Our Ten Favorite Rejected Book Titles:

10. John Steinbeck: “The Various Fruits And Vegetables Of Wrath”

9. Jack Kerouac: “On The Divan”

8. Hermann Hesse: “SydAndMartha”

7. Oscar Wilde: “The Importance Of Being Lenny”

6. Dashiell Hammett: “The Maltese Budgie”

5. Truman Capote: “Breakfast with Tiffany At The Diner Around The Corner, Halfway Up The Block, The French Toast There Is Fabulous!”

4. Ernest Hemingway: “To Have And Have Not Until The Check From The Insurance Agency Arrives Then To Have Again”

3. Arthur Conan Doyle: “The Hamster Of The Baskervilles”

2. Mark Twain: “Boysenberry Finn”

1. Edgar Allan Poe: “The Fall Of The House Of Usher And The Amish Community That Rebuilt The House Of Usher In An Afternoon”

We recommend the Tipperary cheddar. The Stinking Bishop is hard to get, but we know a guy...

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John McCain's Pastor Eats Cute Kittens--Without Condiments!

We are going to have to switch gears on this one. After hearing the words of Barack Obama’s pastor, Reverend Wright, more often than we have heard Steely Dan on FM radio, and having heard endless analyses of those words by balding men wearing unflattering neckties, and having concluded that the analyses have been as enlightening as one would expect analyses by balding men wearing unflattering neckties who are staring at brick walls rather than looking through windows to be, we knew that mockery was necessary.

We decided to write a parody, the premise being that Senator John McCain’s pastor eats cute kittens on Kaiser rolls, with tangy coleslaw and puppy wedges.

We were going to suggest that if a pastor is going to eat kittens, he should do something interesting, like Braised Kitten in a Creamy Wine Sauce, Pad Thai with Kitten, or Pan Seared Kitten with Chinese Satay Spice and Asian Greens…no coleslaw. Not ever.

Then reality became dumber than anything we could think of.

We found that McCain’s candidacy was endorsed by Pastor John Hagee, who said this: “I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."

And this: "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick."

A snarling Doberman pinscher with lipstick?

How do you mock stuff like that? You can’t, unless you want to achieve a level of sinfulness that will get you walloped by a hurricane hand-delivered by God.

Then we found that Hillary Clinton’s former pastor, Reverend Procanick, was convicted of crimes involving a very young girl.

At this point, we have three presidential candidates. One has a pastor who may or may not hate America, one has been endorsed by a pastor who thinks that an angry God deliberately sent a hurricane to destroy New Orleans for its sinfulness, and the third pastor is enjoying three years of contemplation and reflection courtesy of an Oneida County court.

Three pastors walk into a bar...move to the other end of the bar. Don't make eye contact.

The editor of Imaginary Grapefruit believes that this has gone too far, and will not comment further on the views or behavior of any candidate’s pastor.

Here’s the new headline:

John McCain’s Librarian Eats Cute Kittens—Without Condiments!

(The editor of Imaginary Grapefruit spends Sunday mornings listening to “Breakfast with the Beatles” and does not attend any church services, does not believe that God gift wrapped a hurricane and sent it to New Orleans, and hasn't eaten a kitten.)

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The Cow on Brentano Boulevard

Normally, you could wait until the cows came home before you found two news items about cows within ten days, one of which actually does involve cows coming to your home, presuming that you live on Brentano Boulevard. We waited, and the cows came home.

This story was reported by the CBC. It was a bit unclear—the CBC apparently doesn’t have a regular reporter on the cow beat. If you’re on the cow beat, you have to know your cows from your steers. We think we have the facts right. If we don’t, go moo.

According to the CBC cow beat reporter, a trailer carrying two cows, a steer and a bull tipped on the Queen Elizabeth Way. (We don’t normally get to combine cows and Queen Elizabeth in the same sentence. The cows have made our day, and we haven’t even mentioned the bull yet.)

Remember watching Steve McQueen on a motorcycle in “The Great Escape”? Replace Steve McQueen with a cow and you will understand why we find this funny.

The cows immediately headed west—Go West, Young Cows!—then headed for the nearest residential neighborhood.

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?" “Cow.” “Cow who?” “Cow about opening the bloody door, the Ontario Provincial Police are after me!”

The cow was right. The Ontario Provincial Police were in fact after the cow.

The cows made it to Brentano Boulevard in Mississauga, and that's when their luck ran out. After beeing arrested, they were photographed and taken to the hooscow. (Sorry, readers, we couldn’t resist.)

One of the cows used its moments of freedom to track down a CBC Sports producer. This doesn't happen often. "We get all kinds of animals…coyotes, foxes, deer, but never a cow," said the producer, Bridget O'Toole.

Cows are not known for their athleticism, so we are trying to imagine why cows would tip a trailer on the Queen Elizabeth Way and bust out in order to visit a CBC Sports producer. We are nothing if not inquisitive.

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Happy Birthday, War!

Happy birthday, war!

The Iraq war is five years old today. We were going to buy it a pony but try gift wrapping a pony and you’ll see why we didn’t buy the war a pony. We got the war a gift certificate instead. It can choose its own pony.

None of the editors of Imaginary Grapefruit were invited to the birthday party, probably because we didn’t send the pony. We doubt that Lawrence Lindsey was invited either, and we doubt that he bought the war a pony for its birthday.

In 2002, Lawrence Lindsey, then the President’s chief economic advisor, estimated that the cost of the war could be in the range of $100 to $200 billion and was shoved out the door in less time than it took Smarty Jones to win the 2004 Preakness Stakes.

And rightly so, he was way off. According to recent estimates, the United States has ponied up about $500 billion so far. Lindsey deserved to be sent back to his stall.

Of course, we could point out that Mitchell E. Daniels Jr., director of the Office of Management and Budget, predicted that the cost of the war would be in the range of $50 billion to $60 billion. But—we’re quoting the New York Times—“Mr. Daniels cautioned…that it was impossible to know what any military campaign against Iraq would ultimately cost.”

In other words, “I’m wearing a blindfold and swinging a broomstick at a piñata. If I hit it, it’s sheer luck.”

Or, as Yogi Berra supposedly said, "it's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." Mr. Berra, send your resume to the Office of Management and Budget.

The President of the United States, speaking this morning at the Pentagon, said that “war critics can no longer credibly argue that we are losing in Iraq, so now they argue the war costs too much…"

And he’s right! Ignore the fact that no weapons of mass destruction were found, ignore the thousands of deaths and grievous bodily injuries among military personnel and civilians, ignore the fact that the expense is already ten times the amount initially estimated by director of the Office of Management and Budget and is still growing, and you have to conclude that it has been a brilliant success, and well worth the cost.

Mission accomplished!

Happy birthday, war, and we’re sorry about the pony. It is really hard to gift wrap a pony, but we tried.

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Eliot Spitzer Night at Luther Williams Field--really, we're not making this up...

We would love to hear what Yogi Berra would say about this. He did once say that “…only in America could a thing like this happen…” and that seems about right.

The Macon Music, a baseball team in the South Coast League, announced a few days ago that its game against the Aiken Foxhounds would be played on Eliot Spitzer Night and—heck, we’ll just quote the team’s Web site:

1. The Music have extended an invitation for former New York Governor Spitzer to be on hand and throw out the first pitch;
2. The team will give away a Washington, DC vacation including a one night stay at the Mayflower Hotel;
3. Client #9 (or fan #9) will receive a free Music prize pack;
4. Any fan with the name Eliot, Spitzer, or “Kristen” along with any fan from New York will receive $1 off admission;
5. The Music will play Frank Sinatra music throughout the evening in honor of New York;
6. Wire Taps will be placed throughout the ballpark this evening;
7. ATMs will be available for cash withdrawals not to exceed $5,000 per hour;
8. Any fan who has resigned their position will be given $1 off admission;
9. The 871 fan will receive a gift certificate for the Macon Music Team store.

Is there a better way to get Dad to take the kids to the ballpark than to dedicate a night to a philandering disgraced politician who was forced to resign after his unseemly behavior was disclosed? Of course not. Plus, if the kids are named Eliot and Kristen, that’s two bucks off admission.

The team’s plan to have an Eliot Spitzer Night has probably attracted more attention than anything else that has ever happened in the South Coast League.

Four days after announcing that Friday, June 13 would be Eliot Spitzer Night, the team began an online poll to let fans decide whether Eliot Spitzer Night should be cancelled.

The voting, as of this minute, is evenly split. Half of the team's fans are in favor of having a Philandering Disgraced Politician Forced To Resign After His Unseemly Behavior Was Disclosed night. Bring the kids.

Will Eliot Spitzer Night at Luther Williams Field happen? We don’t know, because as Yogi Berra said “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” (That quotation is attributed to Yogi. We don’t know if he actually said it—some quotations are incorrectly attributed to Yogi and we imagine that Yogi might say that “if I said it, I didn’t say it”—but we like it anyway.)

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There are some things you don't imagine yourself writing--"Naked Guy on a Forklift" is one example...

This is true--it was reported by the Associated Press and we saw it in the Philadelphia Inquirer: a naked guy in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, went totally Keith Moon at the Willow Valley Resort, drove a forklift through a wall, then crossed the street to Darrenkamp's Market, where he overturned a 300-pound pizza oven. (The oven weighed 300 pounds, not the pizza.)

The naked guy caused some other damage but, from our perspective, once you've combined a naked guy, a forklift and a pizza oven in one story, you've hit the trifecta.

What else is new today? Well, the governor of New York resigned, a major Wall Street investment bank crashed and burned in less time than it takes for a fly to land on a banana, and a naked guy drove a forklift.

When Bob Woodward was told that burglars had busted into the office of the Democratic National Committee at the Watergate, he didn't think that the story would amount to much.

Someone at the Associated Press probably said "oh bugger me, not another naked pizza oven flipping guy on a forklift story..."

But Woodward was wrong and, similarly, it is possible that someone at the Associated Press didn't immediately see the larger picture.

The two Democratic presidential candidates are running neck and neck, both need Pennsylvania's delegates like fish need water, and both will be in the state tomorrow. Can it really be a coincidence that a guy chooses this particular time to get naked, drive a forklift through a wall and flip a pizza oven in a state critical to both candidates? We don't think so.

This is exactly what Nixon's henchmen did to Ed Muskie in 1972. Anyone else notice that the likely Republican candidate, John McCain, went to Iraq just before the naked guy drove a forklift through a wall and flipped a pizza oven in a mainly Democratic state? Another coincidence? We don't think so.

Clearly, the strategy of the Republican party is to discredit its opponents by implying an association between the Democratic party and naked guys on forklifts.

Forkliftgate!

Welcome to the new Imaginary Grapefruit. We put the pieces together for you, because no one else will.

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