John McCain's Pastor Eats Cute Kittens--Without Condiments!

We are going to have to switch gears on this one. After hearing the words of Barack Obama’s pastor, Reverend Wright, more often than we have heard Steely Dan on FM radio, and having heard endless analyses of those words by balding men wearing unflattering neckties, and having concluded that the analyses have been as enlightening as one would expect analyses by balding men wearing unflattering neckties who are staring at brick walls rather than looking through windows to be, we knew that mockery was necessary.

We decided to write a parody, the premise being that Senator John McCain’s pastor eats cute kittens on Kaiser rolls, with tangy coleslaw and puppy wedges.

We were going to suggest that if a pastor is going to eat kittens, he should do something interesting, like Braised Kitten in a Creamy Wine Sauce, Pad Thai with Kitten, or Pan Seared Kitten with Chinese Satay Spice and Asian Greens…no coleslaw. Not ever.

Then reality became dumber than anything we could think of.

We found that McCain’s candidacy was endorsed by Pastor John Hagee, who said this: “I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."

And this: "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick."

A snarling Doberman pinscher with lipstick?

How do you mock stuff like that? You can’t, unless you want to achieve a level of sinfulness that will get you walloped by a hurricane hand-delivered by God.

Then we found that Hillary Clinton’s former pastor, Reverend Procanick, was convicted of crimes involving a very young girl.

At this point, we have three presidential candidates. One has a pastor who may or may not hate America, one has been endorsed by a pastor who thinks that an angry God deliberately sent a hurricane to destroy New Orleans for its sinfulness, and the third pastor is enjoying three years of contemplation and reflection courtesy of an Oneida County court.

Three pastors walk into a bar...move to the other end of the bar. Don't make eye contact.

The editor of Imaginary Grapefruit believes that this has gone too far, and will not comment further on the views or behavior of any candidate’s pastor.

Here’s the new headline:

John McCain’s Librarian Eats Cute Kittens—Without Condiments!

(The editor of Imaginary Grapefruit spends Sunday mornings listening to “Breakfast with the Beatles” and does not attend any church services, does not believe that God gift wrapped a hurricane and sent it to New Orleans, and hasn't eaten a kitten.)

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