William Shakespeare would be in dog heaven, although as far as I know, there is no character in any of Shakespeare’s plays named Kristen. Had Shakespeare written a play called “Romeo and Kristen,” it would have been a dog’s breakfast. Shakespeare had more sense than his dog, which is why he never used Amtrak’s Empire service and never hired a girl named Kristen.
We, the staff of Imaginary Grapefruit, do not want to know anything more about the emperor or Kristen. We now know the color of Kristen’s hair, her weight and what’s in her CD player, and we don’t care.
There are better things to think about than where the emperor of the Empire State hangs his trousers, or how much he spends to hang them there. He can afford a place to hang his trousers and where the trousers hang is not our concern. There are other things to think about. Spring training has started, for heaven’s sake.
The total population of the world is 6,656,215,567—whoops, 568—congratulations, someone—and if this morning’s news provides any guidance, half are reporters and the other half have been asked by the first half for an opinion of the emperor.
Enough, already!
There is no need to interview at least one person from every geographic location in the world. Eliminate everyone from the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, for example, and that's 480,222 fewer people for Matt Lauer to interview on The Today Show right there, leaving more time for The Today Show to demonstrate interesting things to do with waffles. At this point, we’d rather make banana nut buttermilk waffles than hear another word about the Emperors Club.
There is no question about it; the emperor of the Empire State is a mosquito in a bug zapper. According to the Associated Press: “…70 percent of New Yorkers think the emperor should resign, while 66 percent believe he should be impeached and removed from office if he doesn't.”
We have no idea, of course, what Kristen was wearing at the hotel, but the label on at least one undergarment must have said “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate"--"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
Memo to the emperor: always read the labels. Use Woolite. And always pay your girls in cash.
We regret having to say this, but there is no way to put it gently: the Spitz has hit the fan.
