Imaginary Grapefruit Adds a New Feature

Having conducted extensive polling and market research--all right, we asked one lady, but we like her--Imaginary Grapefruit will add a new feature: The Daily Presidential Quotation:

These are some of the candidates we considered to inaugurate The Daily Presidential Quotation:

Abraham Lincoln: “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Theodore Roosevelt: "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”
John F. Kennedy: “We set sail on this new sea because there is knowledge to be gained.”

But we ultimately chose this one from George W. Bush's radio address:

"I like peanuts as much as the next guy…"

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Today's Irony

March 30, 2007 – Ti-jean, the irony is so thick you could cut it with whichever kitchen utensil is best suited for cutting thick irony. I don’t make a living cutting irony, so why ask me which utensil to use? But this is thick irony and it deserves to be cut and sent back into the ring where it will surely be knocked out in the first round. This is the permafrost of irony. It is the mantle, the crust, the asthensophere, and the lithosphere of irony. To put it another way, this irony is thick.

Today’s irony is that the company hired by the U.S. government to build a fence to keep illegal aliens from crossing the Southwest border hired illegal aliens to build a fence to keep themselves from crossing the border. No, really. I’m not kidding. Stop laughing, Ti-jean.

The head of a California company hired by the U.S. government to help build a fence along the Southwest border to curb the flow of illegal aliens into the United States has been sentenced on charges of hiring illegals for the job.

(The full story is here:
http://www.washingtontimes.com/national/20070330-124512-2035r.htm)

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers

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The Last Kiss

24 March, 2007 -- Recently disclosed documents and e-mails prove that Alberto “Suits” Gonzales and his capos lied, misled Congress, and kneecapped anyone disloyal to Don Bush with a 38-ounce Louisville Slugger, but “Suits” still enjoys the Don’s protection, at least for now. Dan Bartlett, the Don’s mouthpiece, said today that the Don still loves “Suits” like a son.

If you are Alberto “Suits” Gonzales, these should be unsettling words. Historically, receiving a compliment from the Don has been the equivalent of being kissed by Michael Corleone. It does not bode well for your future.

Consider the fates of other members of la famiglia repubblica whose lips have touched the Don’s.

The Don’s kiss upon Harriet “The Hawk” Miers’ nomination to the Supreme Court:

"I picked the best person I could find. People are going to be amazed at her strength of character and her intellect."

Not exactly, although people outside of la famiglia were amazed by her lack of judicial experience and her inability to provide thorough answers to questions. Nominated on October 3, 2005, “The Hawk” withdrew her nomination on October 27 and continued as White House consigliore until resigning in January 2007. If the rumors are true, she was exiled to Sicily and now lives near the Sanctuary of the Weeping Madonna. Of course, the rumors might not be true. One can never be sure.

The Don’s kiss upon former Ambassador to the United Nations John “The Messenger” Bolton:

I'm sending Ambassador Bolton to New York with my complete confidence.

“The Messenger” may have gone to New York with the Don’s complete confidence, but he didn’t go to New York with a Senate confirmation. He didn’t have one when he returned from New York either. A section of the turf in Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey has recently been replaced, but that is probably a coincidence.

The Don’s kiss upon former FEMA director Michael Brown:

"Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job."

This is actually a mistranslation. What the Don said was “Dovete essere andati in dieci giorni.” “You must be gone in ten days. "Non guardare indietro." "Do not look back.”

The Don’s kiss upon former Secretary of Defense Donald “Bullets” Rumsfeld:

“Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation.”

(Bonus kiss from caporegime Dick Cheney: “I think Donald Rumsfeld is the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had.")

“Bullets” departed after the Don and the caporegime made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. The offer was an Amtrak ticket and a ride to Union Station in a black car.

The Don’s kiss upon former Attorney General John “The Squealer” Ashcroft:

"A man of great integrity, a man of great judgment and a man who knows the law."

A man who wanted to use mail carriers as spies, a man who once lost a Senatorial election to Mel Carnahan despite the fact that Mel Carnahan was dead at the time, and a man who neatly summed up his time at the Justice Department by having a statue called The Spirit of Justice covered. La vita imita l'arte. Life imitates art.

The Don’s kiss upon Tom “The Exterminator” Delay:

I have confidence in Tom DeLay's leadership, and I have confidence in Tom DeLay.

The Don’s confidence notwithstanding, “The Exterminator” was indicted on charges of conspiracy and money laundering, but I’m sure he appreciates the Don’s confidence. He will receive a bag of oranges from an anonymous friend after he has been convicted, and he will be looking over his shoulder in the exercise yard.

In Sicily, it is called il bacio della morte. The kiss of death. Restituire i vostri libri delle biblioteche. Return your library books. Non li avrete bisogno di. You will not need them.

Alberto “Suits” Gonzales has said that he has no intention of resigning, but as his presence is a growing distraction to the Don, it will not be long before he wakes up looking into the eyes of a severed horse’s head. “Suits” may not be nervous yet, but the horses are.

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Reuters Runs Down the Mock Hare

The writers of Imaginary Grapefruit appreciate good journalism and laugh at bad journalism. We have been laughing a lot lately.

Yesterday morning, Politico.com posted the news that John Edwards would suspend his Presidential campaign due to Elizabeth Edwards’ illness, and other news hounds ran after the story like greyhounds running down hares. Unfortunately, there was one problem with the story. As all racing greyhounds eventually find out, the rabbit is not real.

But that didn’t stop Reuters’ greyhounds from chasing the mock hare:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards will suspend his presidential campaign, and may drop out completely, because his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence cancer that struck her in 2004, a Democratic Party source said on Thursday.

He is going to be ending or suspending his campaign," said the Democratic source in Iowa, adding Edwards and his campaign had alerted some supporters in the state of his decision. "The big mystery seems to be how serious Elizabeth's illness is."

Then Reuters’ hounds caught the rabbit and discovered the forgery:

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina (Reuters) - Democrat John Edwards said on Thursday he would continue his presidential campaign even though his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence of cancer that first struck her in 2004.

"The campaign goes on. The campaign goes on strongly," Edwards, a former senator from North Carolina and the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee, said at a news conference in his hometown.

You have to admire Reuters. They’re right at least 50% of the time.

Reuters’ greyhounds were not the only dogs looking at the back end of a mock hare, but we have to throw a bone to MSNBC, which voluntarily sent itself to the dog house:

“Earlier Thursday, MSNBC.com incorrectly reported that Edwards would suspend his campaign because of his wife’s illness. The report was based on a statement an Edwards friend made to Politico.com, a political Web site, and a source who spoke to NBC.”

We also throw a bone to Ben Smith, who posted the rabbit on Politico.com and later acknowledged that it was hasenpfeffer: "My apologies to our readers for passing on bad information." While we will continue to mock Ben Smith—Ben, if you’re going to post an apology, the title should be “How I Jumped the Shark,” not “How Politico Got It Wrong”—we appreciate that he posted his own mea culpa.

We have not seen anything from Reuters that sounds remotely like “we're sorry that we didn’t check our facts.”

It is excusable to chase the mock hare, but a smart greyhound barks when it realizes it’s been fooled, then heads back to the kennel.

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PETA Rats Out Senator Durbin

The writer of Imaginary Grapefruit and Bessie, Defender of the Blog, do not always agree with PETA. We agree with the group philosophically, but its members have shown a knack for doing really incredibly stupid things. This time, however, we are on PETA’s side and we don’t care that we are in the minority.

PETA posted this on The Hill Blog (http://www.blog.thehill.com)) earlier today:

Take a Swing at Sen. Durbin for Killing Rat With Golf Club
March 21st, 2007

Like many compassionate people, we at PETA were shocked and disappointed to learn that according to a recent ABC News story, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) bragged about beating a rat to death with a golf club. PETA has written to Sen. Durbin and urged him to use only humane rat-control methods in the future so that he can set a good example for his constituents — especially impressionable young people.

PETA also points out that cruelly killing one rat won’t prevent more rats from taking up residence in the Washington, D.C., townhouse that Sen. Durbin shares with three other members of Congress—more rats will simply move in to fill the void. We urge Durbin to inform his landlord, Rep. George Miller, that he can easily and permanently end the rat infestation by sealing any openings larger than a dime in the foundation vents, roof, and sub-floor with caulk or a sturdy screening material. Sen. Durbin can help make the townhouse less attractive to rodents by cleaning up the “filth and squalor” that he says can be found throughout the dwelling. Any remaining rats can be caught in a humane trap and released outdoors.

Senator Durbin beat an animal to death with a golf club and found it amusing. This is an excerpt from the ABC News story:

Durbin, chipper in a red sweater, shared the tale of the night he confronted a large rat, killing the beast with a golf club.

"I'm not a good golfer," Durbin quips. "I had to three putt."
(http://www.abcnews.go.com/WNT/Politics/story?id=2942649&page=1)

Washington has a surplus of rats and, at the moment, most of them do not have fur. Most of them wear expensive suits, provide constituent services and occasionally play golf. Unlike one particular rat, we believe that beating a living creature to death with a golf club is not something to brag about and that it is not funny.

We agree with PETA and we are pleased that the Senator has been ratted out.

(Imaginary Grapefruit catches intruding rodents such as squirrels and mice using safe traps, drives them to a park, and releases them unharmed.)

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Dashiell Hammett and Arlo Guthrie address the treachery and deceit at the Department of Justice

“Don’t worry about the story’s goofiness. A sensible one would’ve had us all in the cooler.” (Sam Spade speaking to Joel Cairo in The Maltese Falcon.)

These are strange times, Ti-jean. I have checked Roget’s Thesaurus, and it does not appear that “Principal Associate Deputy Attorney General” is generally used as a synonym for “cannon fodder,” but if I worked in the District of Columbia today, I would seriously consider joining a circus or a motorcycle gang. These are more reputable occupations, and they are infinitely safer. Ask any of the eight Federal prosecutors who have been thrown from the train.

In The Maltese Falcon, Sam Spade knew that Lieutenant Dundy and Tom Polhaus knew he was lying, and he didn’t care. That is clearly the spirit at the Justice Department these days.

Ti-jean, I am not particularly concerned when politicians lie. I expect it, and I would be a fool if I didn’t. “How do you know when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.” Aristophanes told that joke backstage in 386 B.C. and got big laughs because everyone knew it was true. Little has changed.

But it is different when the lies are shoved out the door and left naked and shivering in the cold wind on Pennsylvania Avenue.

It is naive to complain that eight Federal prosecutors were fired for “political reasons.” U.S. Attorneys serve “at the pleasure of the President.” Conversely, they can be dismissed “at the pleasure of the President,” for any reason or no reason, and dismissals are not unusual. W. is by no means the first to dismiss prosecutors.

(It is, on the other hand, quite amusing that the Republican Party is using the “Clinton did it too” defense. This is the same party that was so appalled by Bill Clinton that they spent millions of dollars on investigations and failed to get a conviction. Now they’re using his precedent as a defense. We do love irony at Imaginary Grapefruit.)

But it is completely ludicrous that they expect anyone with Alpha wave activity to believe that Principal Associate Deputy Attorney General William E. Moschella decided on his own that the manner in which interim prosecutors were appointed was a “constitutional anomaly” and used the Patriot Act to fix the anomaly without any discussion, debate or approval, and that no one noticed before the bill was passed. As I said, lies are to be expected, but we want them to be plausible.

Ti-jean, do you believe that the Attorney General of the United States is not consulted when the law that dictates how Federal prosecutors are appointed is about to be changed?

In 1974, Arlo Guthrie wrote a song called “The Presidential Rag,” which included this question to Richard Nixon: “if you didn’t know about this one, then what else don’t you know?” It's still a fair question.

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Memo from Wild Bill Hickok to the Attorney General

Ti-jean, there is nothing new about corruption or duplicity. Knowing what happened to Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare was smart enough to not sit with his back to the door. Unlike Valerie Plame, he covered his back to the extent that, centuries later, scholars are still trying to figure out who he was. Wild Bill Hickok was equally wily but he was nevertheless caught with aces and eights, the dead man’s hand, and is buried next to Calamity Jane. Bad things can happen if you're not careful.

But it is surprising to find that the Attorney General of the United States has less common sense than Jack McCall and left his fingerprints on the gun used to send one of his aides, Kyle Sampson, to the bottom of the Potomac River.

The irony is thicker than the grass in the Black Hills of South Dakota. The Attorney General who argued for warrantless searches of telephone records and E-mails has been ambushed by E-mails between Sampson and former White House Counselor Harriet Miers. Never, ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean, and for heaven's sake, don't write your villainous plans in E-mails.

Eight Federal prosecutors were gunned down in the D.C. corral by the Justice Department because they were considered insufficiently loyal to Wild George. It could have been worse. “Calamity” Harriet Miers floated the idea of gunning down all 93 Federal prosecutors in 2004. That idea floated like a dead horse, but the fact that it floated at all, no matter how briefly, is frightening.

Imagine that, Ti-jean—a White House counselor who was nominated for a lifetime gig on the Supreme Court recommended that competent prosecutors with good performance reviews be fired for not being “team players.” Lady Justice removed her blindfold and had her finger on the trigger.

Two victims of the shootout in the corral were U.S. attorneys Carol Lam and David Iglesias. Carol Lam was the prosecutor who sent Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham to purgatory and asked some inconvenient questions in the process, and David Iglesias had the misfortune of having his back to the door when Sen. Pete Domenici entered the saloon and pulled his single-action pistol from its loop holster. Do not ever sit with your back to the door, Ti-jean. I cannot stress that enough.

The Attorney General of the United States has acknowledged that “mistakes have been made.” The captain of the Titanic also acknowledged that “mistakes have been made,” but culpability makes no difference when the ship is sinking.

So, what are the cards in Alberto Gonzales' hand? Aces and eights. That's always bad luck, and he's sitting with his back to the door. Wild Bill Hickok can explain why that’s unwise, as can Calamity Jane. Unfortunate things can happen when you're not careful.

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Postscript: Ti-jean, shortly after I wrote this, Paul Perez, a U.S. Attorney in Florida, announced that he would resign to take a job at Fidelity National Financial Inc. The timing may have been coincidental, but from my window in Grande Bouche, it looks like Paul Perez realized that he too was holding aces and eights and had the good sense to ride out of Deadwood in a hurry.

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Will the Decider's Albatross Catch a Greyhound to Wyoming?

Just for fun on a cold Sunday morning, let’s shake our Magic 8-ball and ask it a question. Magic 8-ball, will Dick Cheney resign?

Following Scooter Libby’s conviction on Tuesday, there’s been growing speculation that Vice President Cheney might be next in line to be hooded and left dangling from the hangman’s noose. He was not indicted and did not testify, but a President with a 33% approval rating cannot afford to keep throwing squid to his albatross indefinitely. There are too many albatross, and not enough squid.

Under normal circumstances, it would be unlikely that the man often described as the most influential VP in history would pack his bags and board a Greyhound bus back to Wyoming, either willingly or unwillingly. The puppet seldom fires the puppeteer, and the puppeteer seldom cuts the strings voluntarily.

But these are not normal times. The 2008 Presidential election will be the first since 1928 in which neither the sitting President nor the sitting VP will be running.

That could change. The VP could plausibly resign for “health reasons” given that his medical problems are well documented, thereby allowing the President to nominate a replacement. In that case, the logical nominee would be Condoleeza Rice, since she’s next in line among Republicans in the order of succession, and this President likes to keep his friends nearby. However, Condi’s confirmation hearings would not be gentle and would give Democrats an opportunity to ask questions that she would prefer not to answer.

On the other hand, it would be hard for a closely divided Senate to reject Rudy Giuliani. He’s popular, relatively moderate and doesn’t have to defend any position on the 2002 Iraq resolution. As of this moment, he holds a substantial lead over Sen. John McCain and no other Republican candidate is even remotely close. If confirmed, Rudy would have the nomination in his back pocket and, as the incumbent VP, he would have a strong advantage over the Democratic challenger. By replacing Cheney with Giuliani, The Decider would not only rid himself of an albatross, but get to hand-pick his own successor at the same time.

Of course, this would effectively take McCain out of the race, which could be awkward for the President since McCain is one of the few senators still supporting his Iraq policy, but there’s an obvious solution. If you think you’re about to read the words “Giuliani/McCain in 2008,” you’re right.

There’s one other scenario that’s all but impossible but still fun to contemplate. George W. Bush could nominate George H.W. Bush to replace Cheney, then Dad could send Junior to his room. George H.W. Bush may have been a one-term President, but he knew the shortest route out of Iraq.

By the way, the reply from the Magic 8-ball was “cannot predict now.”

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Bush Administration: Polar Bears are Covert CIA Operatives

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

George W. Bush loves freedom of speech as much as Ann Coulter loves John Edwards. As much as Aaron Burr loved Alexander Hamilton. As much as Godzilla loved Mothra.

“…if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.” George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

This administration has more leaks than a rusty bucket and only one hole has been plugged. This is the week in which I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the President’s assistant and the Vice President’s Chief of Staff, was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice. Vice President Cheney and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove were implicated but not charged. Laws were broken but, borrowing a phrase from Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, the verdict on Cheney and Rove was “not proved.” At this moment, Cheney and Rove are having the Tuna Nicoise at Bistro Bis on E Street while Scooter is getting a clock face with no hands tattooed on his left arm and The Decider has made no decisions other than to decide to do nothing, at least for the time being.

This is also the week during which it was revealed that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service requires U.S. scientists attending meetings abroad to provide assurances that they will not discuss polar bears or melting sea ice unless their comments agree with the Bush administration’s positions.

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

It has been less than two weeks since Al Gore’s documentary on global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth,” won an Oscar. It is possible that someone has seen it. It is also possible that someone has Googled the words “melting polar ice.”

Compared to l'affaire de Plame, l'affaire de nanuq is relatively simple. As sea ice melts, polar bears are forced to swim greater distances between ice floes, and they are drowning. But scientists from the United States travelling abroad have to assure the Fish and Wildlife Service that they understand the administration’s positions before speaking. The Bush administration’s position, borrowing a phrase from Senator Specter, is that human responsibility for global warming is “not proved.”

How’s that for symmetry?

If CIA operative Valerie Plame had been a polar bear--and it is worth noting that the collective noun for a group of bears is a sleuth--discussing her ursine status would have been off-limits and she would be sitting happily on an ice floe eating ringed seals. (Seals are a good source of omega-3 fatty acids.) It’s permissible for insiders to discuss a covert CIA operative with reporters, but it’s not permissible for scientists to discuss melting sea ice and drowning polar bears.

So, does a bear obfuscate in the woods?

“I love freedom of speech.” -- George W. Bush, October 23, 2003

“Scripture teaches us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go...” -- Galileo Galilei, 1633, before being forced to recant his theory of heliocentrism.

Galileo would be disappointed to see how little has changed in 374 years.

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Sunday Morning: Would You Like Another Cup of Tea Before the Apocalypse, Dear?

March 4, 2007 – Ti-jean, please pass the newspaper. Let’s see this morning’s headlines.

North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear facilities in exchange for fuel oil.

How nice of Kim Jong Il. Of course, North Korea doesn’t exactly have a history of honoring its agreements, having already withdrawn from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and other commitments, and will almost certainly threaten to resume processing uranium the next time it needs food or oil. Still, allowing the UN to resume inspections for the time being is a good thing. Let’s see the next headline:

Pakistan tests nuclear capable ballistic warhead.

That’s not good. Pakistan and India have been the Hatfields and the McCoys of South Asia since 1947, and both possess nuclear weapons. Considering that India is the second-most populous country on Earth, it would only take one nuclear capable ballistic warhead for Shiva to have a really bad day.

Muammar al-Qadhafi claims that Libya has not been properly compensated for giving up its nuclear weapons programs.

Postcard to Iran and North Korea: please don’t develop nuclear technology. Don’t be concerned that we didn’t keep our promises to Libya. Hugs and kisses, George W. Bush.

(Pardon me while I digress. Considering that Muammar al-Qadhafi has been Libya’s leader since 1969, you would expect that there would be some agreement on the proper spelling of his name by now. There isn’t. I’ve found seven different spellings. I say Qaddafi, you say Khadafi, let’s call the whole thing off.)

Please turn the page, Ti-jean.

U.S. Selects a New Nuclear Warhead Design

What? There’s a brilliant example of poor timing, announcing a new nuclear warhead design while simultaneously lobbying for UN sanctions against Iran and North Korea for developing nuclear weapons. Worse, didn’t North Korea cite “hostile U.S. policy” as its reason for conducting nuclear tests? What a spectacular moment for the United States to announce that it’s upgrading its arsenal.

Ti-jean, does it strike you as odd that the most enlightened quote is from Muammar al-Qadhafi: "Libya will never go back. I believe that the era of hostility and confrontation is behind us.” It’s a strange world when Muammar al-Qadhafi is the voice of reason.

Hand me the comics, Ti-jean. Care for more tea before the apocalypse, dear?

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Swiss Army Fails to Capture Liechtenstein, Goes Home

March 3, 2007 – Switzerland, a country known for its neutrality and its fromage suisse, invaded Liechtenstein yesterday. No one in Liechtenstein noticed. Stop laughing.

The invasion was inadvertent, according to the Swiss government, which explained that 170 of its infantry soldiers got lost (the one accessory Swiss army knives lack is a compass, but most have corkscrews, which are handy when opening bottles of riesling) and accidentally invaded the country next door. After asking for directions, the soldiers turned around and went home to make cocoa, or possibly to open a bottle of riesling.

Liechtenstein has a population of about 35,000, making it nearly as large as Pennsauken, New Jersey. (Come on, Switzerland, pick on someone your own size!) Out of the 35,000 residents of Liechtenstein, only about 23,100 are actually from Liechtenstein. The rest are from Switzerland, Austria, Germany and Italy. Still, the Swiss infantry was outnumbered.

The Swiss soldiers were carrying assault rifles but had no ammunition. That’s not necessarily a disadvantage when invading Liechtenstein, since the country disbanded its military in 1868. On the other hand, Liechtenstein’s largest company, Hilti, makes nail guns, which may explain the Swiss’ hasty retreat.

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Dining Out in Grande Bouche

Ti-jean, I have just found the strangest restaurant in the northern hemisphere and I am delighted that it is right here in Grande Bouche. I realize that a claim this extravagant requires proof, so I'm going to post a photograph of the sign. Otherwise it would be like going home and saying “Honey, guess what I just saw. A giant monkey on top of a skyscraper swatting at airplanes.” The jury needs to see the evidence.

The restaurant is called Louisiana Style Chinese Takeout. I drove past it twice to make sure I read the sign correctly.

I'm still trying to visualize the point on the culinary Venn diagram where Creole and Chinese cuisines intersect. I believe it's the point where an Iron Chef explodes and a shiitake mushroom cloud is visible for miles. And I'm completely unable to think about it without hearing the Beatles' "Come Together" with slightly altered lyrics:

"He use no soy sauce, he make muffulettas,
He got stir-fried noodles, he chew tofu gumbo,
He eat crawfish ettoufee,
Want to get turducken, but it’s too hard to say!
Come together, right now, over me."

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