In 1922, T.S. Eliot wrote “April is the cruelest month…” If you happen to be unfortunate enough to play for the Philadelphia Flyers this season, January is the cruelest month. So far. The Flyers ended the month having fared slightly worse than the Dutch during the Sack of Antwerp and currently have the worst record in the National Hockey League.
Haiku for Flyers Chairman Ed Snider
Chairman of the Board
Ed Snider with silver hair
What is with your team?
Please do not blame Esche
This team could not score a goal
If the puck had eyes.
Dear Ed, in your heart
You must know no hope is left
Let’s melt the ice now.
Wednesday 31 January 2007
Have a Teacake, Karl
It’s so quaint to hear Democrats and Republicans arguing over grammar. Would you care for tea, Mr. Rove? Please have another scone, Madame Speaker. Now, about your sentence structure, Karl—may I call you Karl?
During the State of the Union Address, President Bush said “I want to congratulate the new Democrat majority.” This is grammatically incorrect. Democrat is a noun, Democratic is an adjective. A majority of Democrats is correct usage, but a Democrat majority is not.
But this is something more than another example of George W’s language abuse, his idiomatic Abu Ghraib where words are tortured with whips and dogs. It’s linguistic disingenuousness used by Joe McCarthy, a verbal gimmick intended to imply that Democrats are not necessarily Democratic; that is, that they don’t relate to a broad population. Predictably, Democrats feel that they’ve been undemocratically dissed. They're a bit touchy right now. After all, it's only been a few weeks since CNN and Yahoo! News both confused Barack Obama with Osama Bin Laden.
This lexiconic skirmish does not bode well for bipartisanship. Since George W. has repeatedly requested tax cuts, he should request a repeal of his own syntax.
During the State of the Union Address, President Bush said “I want to congratulate the new Democrat majority.” This is grammatically incorrect. Democrat is a noun, Democratic is an adjective. A majority of Democrats is correct usage, but a Democrat majority is not.
But this is something more than another example of George W’s language abuse, his idiomatic Abu Ghraib where words are tortured with whips and dogs. It’s linguistic disingenuousness used by Joe McCarthy, a verbal gimmick intended to imply that Democrats are not necessarily Democratic; that is, that they don’t relate to a broad population. Predictably, Democrats feel that they’ve been undemocratically dissed. They're a bit touchy right now. After all, it's only been a few weeks since CNN and Yahoo! News both confused Barack Obama with Osama Bin Laden.
This lexiconic skirmish does not bode well for bipartisanship. Since George W. has repeatedly requested tax cuts, he should request a repeal of his own syntax.
###
Tuesday 30 January 2007
The Banzai Pipeline of Channel Surfing
Just in from the Associated Press:
The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies.
Discussions by a committee appointed earlier this month by the city commission to plan the event have even covered issues such as a theme to be printed on T-shirts, what musicians would perform, the cost and how long the celebration would last.
If Fidel Castro summoned up the nobleza to die on Sunday, the Official Death Party could occur simultaneously with Super Bowl XLI, with roughly 3,500 media representatives (more than three times the population of North Key Largo) in the Miami area to cover the two events. What a great way to show the world that Americans really are caring, sensitive people. The only way to make this scenario more interesting would be to have the NFL transport Castro by MedEvac helicopter to Dolphin Stadium so that he could expire during halftime. Why not? The worst that could happen would be a cigar malfunction.
It is time to change the batteries in the TV remote. Sunday may be the Banzai Pipeline of channel surfing.
The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies.
Discussions by a committee appointed earlier this month by the city commission to plan the event have even covered issues such as a theme to be printed on T-shirts, what musicians would perform, the cost and how long the celebration would last.
If Fidel Castro summoned up the nobleza to die on Sunday, the Official Death Party could occur simultaneously with Super Bowl XLI, with roughly 3,500 media representatives (more than three times the population of North Key Largo) in the Miami area to cover the two events. What a great way to show the world that Americans really are caring, sensitive people. The only way to make this scenario more interesting would be to have the NFL transport Castro by MedEvac helicopter to Dolphin Stadium so that he could expire during halftime. Why not? The worst that could happen would be a cigar malfunction.
It is time to change the batteries in the TV remote. Sunday may be the Banzai Pipeline of channel surfing.
###
Sunday 28 January 2007
The Sciurus Carolinensis Diet
Memo from the Imaginary Grapefruit office in Grande Bouche, New Jersey:
Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.
Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.
This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.
The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.
And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?
Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?
Ti-jean, did you see this? It couldn’t happen in any other state. This is going to be difficult to spin.
Read the enclosed letter from the Department of Health and Senior Services and the Department of Environmental Protection. They’re advising us to eat fewer squirrels. Not to avoid eating squirrels entirely, just fewer of them. Especially the toxic ones. I’ll get back to that.
This is the recommended guideline for squirrel consumption: “…children should not eat squirrels more than once a month, pregnant women should limit their intake to twice a month, and adults should not eat squirrels more than twice a week.” No, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.
The good news is that this only applies to the squirrel aficionados—the rodent connoisseurs—the hamster habitués—in North Jersey who live near the toxic waste dump. Yes, I said the toxic waste dump. At least we were able to send a trainload of virulent voles to Yucca Mountain before they became hors d’oeuvres.
And on the bright side, in South Jersey, you can still order the tandoori tree rat, General Tso’s tree rat, sweet and sour tree rat, pan seared tree rat with a Chinese satay sauce and Asian greens, stir fry tree rat with leeks and snow peas in a white wine sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert. I’ll decant the Pinot Gris, and let’s use the Riedel wineglasses, shall we?
Call marketing and tell them they’re going to be working late. We’re going to need a new slogan…how about this?…New Jersey: Come for Dinner, Stay for the Afterglow. And order salads, will you?
###
Saturday 27 January 2007
Get Well Quickly, Riley B. King
I happened to be listening to a T-Bone Walker record when I heard that B.B. King was hospitalized in Galveston, Texas yesterday with a 100.4 degree fever. He was expected to be released today. Performances scheduled for tonight and tomorrow night have been postponed, but B.B. still plans to be playing the blues in Fort Worth on Tuesday.
In 1949, the year in which B.B. King first recorded for Bullet Records in Nashville, Tennessee, Harry Truman was President, Ted Williams led the American League in home runs, Gene Autry recorded “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” the Berlin Airlift ended, and Israel was admitted to the United Nations. He has made many records since then; all have been good, some have been great, and I will argue that Live at the Regal, recorded in 1964 and released in 1965, is one of the best albums ever recorded in any genre. And in 2007, he is still the Beale Street Blues Boy.
Get well quickly, Riley B. King.
In 1949, the year in which B.B. King first recorded for Bullet Records in Nashville, Tennessee, Harry Truman was President, Ted Williams led the American League in home runs, Gene Autry recorded “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” the Berlin Airlift ended, and Israel was admitted to the United Nations. He has made many records since then; all have been good, some have been great, and I will argue that Live at the Regal, recorded in 1964 and released in 1965, is one of the best albums ever recorded in any genre. And in 2007, he is still the Beale Street Blues Boy.
Get well quickly, Riley B. King.
###
Wednesday 24 January 2007
Overheard at the Oxygen Bar
We were talking about dogs, beer, and President George W.
Actually, we were talking about the other President George W.
Here’s an interesting comparison:
· Number of words in George Washington’s second Presidential Inaugural Address: 135
· Number of words in a recent Associated Press article bearing the headline “Pet Shop Owner Creates Beer for Dogs: 145.
The obvious conclusion is that there is more to say about beer for dogs.
George Washington brewed a pumpkin porter and also distilled whiskey, either of which might account for his having delivered the shortest inaugural address in U.S. history.
Among those captured during the Battle of Germantown in 1777 was a dog belonging to English General William Howe. Despite having lost the battle, George Washington returned Howe’s dog with a brief note. A draft copy of the note is in Alexander Hamilton’s handwriting, marking the only time in U.S. history that a future President and a future Secretary of the Treasury have written a note about a dog. It is not known whether General Howe’s dog sampled the pumpkin porter while in Washington’s custody, but it is not out of the question, since Washington’s own dogs were named Drunkard, Tipsy, Tippler, and Taster.
The name of General Howe’s dog is not known. The beer for dogs is called Kwispelbier, Kwispel being a Dutch word for wagging a tail.
Actually, we were talking about the other President George W.
Here’s an interesting comparison:
· Number of words in George Washington’s second Presidential Inaugural Address: 135
· Number of words in a recent Associated Press article bearing the headline “Pet Shop Owner Creates Beer for Dogs: 145.
The obvious conclusion is that there is more to say about beer for dogs.
George Washington brewed a pumpkin porter and also distilled whiskey, either of which might account for his having delivered the shortest inaugural address in U.S. history.
Among those captured during the Battle of Germantown in 1777 was a dog belonging to English General William Howe. Despite having lost the battle, George Washington returned Howe’s dog with a brief note. A draft copy of the note is in Alexander Hamilton’s handwriting, marking the only time in U.S. history that a future President and a future Secretary of the Treasury have written a note about a dog. It is not known whether General Howe’s dog sampled the pumpkin porter while in Washington’s custody, but it is not out of the question, since Washington’s own dogs were named Drunkard, Tipsy, Tippler, and Taster.
The name of General Howe’s dog is not known. The beer for dogs is called Kwispelbier, Kwispel being a Dutch word for wagging a tail.
Thursday 18 January 2007
Memo to Congress: put your checkbook back in your pocket
This is from the Associated Press:
Dems not united on Iraq troop funding
Some distance themselves from Pelosi's stance on additional money
Next month, George W. Bush will submit a supplemental spending bill to Congress. Supplemental spending bills have typically been used for unexpected expenditures like natural disasters. How a war that has been ongoing since 2003 and has no end in sight can still be considered an unexpected expense is not exactly clear.
Despite generally being viewed less favorably than a 1986 Yugo, the President stubbornly refuses to order hard right rudder, insisting on aiming his unsinkable Titanic directly at the iceburg at full speed. The outcome is clear. Unless the port engines are reversed, this ship is going to sink while the band plays “Nearer, my God, to Thee.”
That being the case, the important word in the phrase “checks and balances” is “checks,” and while the President is Commander-in-Chief, Congress holds the piggy bank.
Apart from Sen. Joe Lieberman—say it ain't so, Joe—is there a Democrat that supports escalation, augmentation, enhancement, or whatever it's called this week? Even some Republicans, notably Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska and Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine refuse to go down this skunk hole. Congress—are you listening?—it is time to use your mojo hand. Put the checkbook back in your pocket.
Note that we are no longer “staying the course,” it is now a “new way forward.” Lemmings also have a new way forward, and it frequently leads over a cliff.
Dems not united on Iraq troop funding
Some distance themselves from Pelosi's stance on additional money
Next month, George W. Bush will submit a supplemental spending bill to Congress. Supplemental spending bills have typically been used for unexpected expenditures like natural disasters. How a war that has been ongoing since 2003 and has no end in sight can still be considered an unexpected expense is not exactly clear.
Despite generally being viewed less favorably than a 1986 Yugo, the President stubbornly refuses to order hard right rudder, insisting on aiming his unsinkable Titanic directly at the iceburg at full speed. The outcome is clear. Unless the port engines are reversed, this ship is going to sink while the band plays “Nearer, my God, to Thee.”
That being the case, the important word in the phrase “checks and balances” is “checks,” and while the President is Commander-in-Chief, Congress holds the piggy bank.
Apart from Sen. Joe Lieberman—say it ain't so, Joe—is there a Democrat that supports escalation, augmentation, enhancement, or whatever it's called this week? Even some Republicans, notably Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska and Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine refuse to go down this skunk hole. Congress—are you listening?—it is time to use your mojo hand. Put the checkbook back in your pocket.
Note that we are no longer “staying the course,” it is now a “new way forward.” Lemmings also have a new way forward, and it frequently leads over a cliff.
Monday 15 January 2007
Another Existential Conflict
Vice President Dick Cheney on Fox News Sunday, discussing the war in Iraq: "This is an existential conflict…"
Prior to the fall of Baghdad, the most noteworthy existential conflict was the famous Gentlemen’s Doubles competition at Wimbledon in which Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre faced Fyodor Dostoevsky and Franz Kafka in possibly the most important tennis match in the history of modern philosophy. The match was broadcast live on BBC 2 and changed the course of postmodern writing.
Camus and Sartre were heavily favored, having recently beaten François Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard in the French Open. However, Camus considered himself an absurdist rather than an existentialist, and chose to not use a racquet. As a result, he was able to postulate that the absurd is the essential concept and the first truth but had difficulty returning a serve.
Sartre was well-known for his revolutionary footwork but was unable to lob effectively, as he refused to acknowledge the existence of the net. After the match, Sartre commented to a reporter from the Daily Telegraph that “consciousness is consciousness of itself insofar as it is consciousness of a transcendent object. And Dostoevsky has a killer forehand."
The third set was briefly delayed because Kafka had turned into a giant insect.
No winner was declared because the line judge, Søren Kierkegaard, considered the match meaningless.
Both pairs were subsequently eliminated from the tournament by logical positivists in matches that are now generally considered low points in post-war existentialism.
Prior to the fall of Baghdad, the most noteworthy existential conflict was the famous Gentlemen’s Doubles competition at Wimbledon in which Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre faced Fyodor Dostoevsky and Franz Kafka in possibly the most important tennis match in the history of modern philosophy. The match was broadcast live on BBC 2 and changed the course of postmodern writing.
Camus and Sartre were heavily favored, having recently beaten François Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard in the French Open. However, Camus considered himself an absurdist rather than an existentialist, and chose to not use a racquet. As a result, he was able to postulate that the absurd is the essential concept and the first truth but had difficulty returning a serve.
Sartre was well-known for his revolutionary footwork but was unable to lob effectively, as he refused to acknowledge the existence of the net. After the match, Sartre commented to a reporter from the Daily Telegraph that “consciousness is consciousness of itself insofar as it is consciousness of a transcendent object. And Dostoevsky has a killer forehand."
The third set was briefly delayed because Kafka had turned into a giant insect.
No winner was declared because the line judge, Søren Kierkegaard, considered the match meaningless.
Both pairs were subsequently eliminated from the tournament by logical positivists in matches that are now generally considered low points in post-war existentialism.
###
Sunday 14 January 2007
Morning After Haiku
New Orleans 27, Philadelphia 24
Oh, Andy Reid, large coach
You have been coach for eight years
Why must your teams lose?
Sweet Andy Reid, cheer up
Do not fear unemployment
The Post Office needs help.
Saturday 13 January 2007
Hey, English Majors! Nepal urgently needs writers!
This is an actual quote from the Nepal Tourism Board's Web site (http://www.welcomenepal.com): "In winter hypothermia may be (a) hindrance to some..." Well, I suppose it could be a small hindrance if chilblains, amputation and death don't figure prominently in your vacation plans. (I particularly like that they added the words "to some..." I guess someone might consider hypothermia attractive, but when the chilbains become open sores, I'll be glad my travel agent is on speed dial.)
And while you’re in Nepal, check out the art galleries. Or perhaps not. This is another direct quote from the Nepal Tourism Board: “The Art Galleries are not exactly the epitome of art collections…” Sell it, baby!
Surprisingly, the Tourism Board didn’t mention the lack of electricity and telephones, or the illiteracy, unemployment, poverty, and polyandry. Especially the polyandry.
And while in Nepal, you can stay at the five star Hotel Yak and Yeti in Kathmandu. (I am not making this up. See for yourself: http//www.yakandyeti.com.) To my knowledge, it is the only five star hotel in the world named for a long-haired humped bovine and a humanoid cryptid.
Clearly, Nepal has to rethink its marketing strategies and is going to need new writers. Opportunity knocks.
So feel welcome, young writers! Come to Nepal for the summer, stay for the monsoons!
This is an actual quote from the Nepal Tourism Board's Web site (http://www.welcomenepal.com): "In winter hypothermia may be (a) hindrance to some..." Well, I suppose it could be a small hindrance if chilblains, amputation and death don't figure prominently in your vacation plans. (I particularly like that they added the words "to some..." I guess someone might consider hypothermia attractive, but when the chilbains become open sores, I'll be glad my travel agent is on speed dial.)
And while you’re in Nepal, check out the art galleries. Or perhaps not. This is another direct quote from the Nepal Tourism Board: “The Art Galleries are not exactly the epitome of art collections…” Sell it, baby!
Surprisingly, the Tourism Board didn’t mention the lack of electricity and telephones, or the illiteracy, unemployment, poverty, and polyandry. Especially the polyandry.
And while in Nepal, you can stay at the five star Hotel Yak and Yeti in Kathmandu. (I am not making this up. See for yourself: http//www.yakandyeti.com.) To my knowledge, it is the only five star hotel in the world named for a long-haired humped bovine and a humanoid cryptid.
Clearly, Nepal has to rethink its marketing strategies and is going to need new writers. Opportunity knocks.
So feel welcome, young writers! Come to Nepal for the summer, stay for the monsoons!
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