Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan: Kiefer, You're Setting a Bad Example for the Army

What you are about to read is true. I had to say that, because anyone who has evolved beyond homo erectus and has the intelligence to wear shoes on the correct feet will read this and think “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I repeat, to the best of my knowledge, it is true.

Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan thinks that the acts of torture shown on 24 set a bad example for the Army. This is a direct quote: “I’d like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires.” Kiefer Sutherland has been invited by the Army to discuss why torture is a bad thing.

At this point, you have just said to yourself “this is too amazingly twisted to be real. I mean, this is just plain dumb.” I warned you. If that wasn’t your first thought, look down. Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

According to Human Rights First, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized such interrogation techniques as sleep deprivation, dietary manipulation, isolation, and exposure to extreme temperatures. Alberto Gonzales and George W. Bush have issued memos stating that Geneva Convention III on the Treatment of Prisoners of War is inapplicable to al Qaeda or the Taliban. A report by a Department of Defense working group describes 35 interrogation techniques including face and stomach slapping, removal of clothing, and hooding. Other approved interrogation techniques include the use of dogs for intimidation, waterboarding and denial of medication. Then there are the extraordinary renditions, the ghost detainees hidden from the Red Cross, the secret prisons in Central Europe, and the deportation of the Kulaks.

I’ll bet I snuck that last one past you. The Kulaks were deported to Siberia and Central Asia by Josef Stalin. Interesting that it didn’t sound out of place.

Since the President, the Vice President, the current Attorney General, and the former Secretary of Defense have all been seen singing Cole Porter’s Anything Goes on karaoke night, it is laughable to think that no one will sing along.

But a Brigadier General thinks that 24 is sending the wrong message to the Army. If 24 sets a bad example, I hope no one in the Army has seen The Silence of the Lambs.

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How to run for President in 2008—don’t tell anyone you're running for President in 2008.

As of today, there are grassroots campaigns to draft Al Gore, Wesley Clark, Russ Feingold, Mark Warner, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul. None of them have said that they are running. Meanwhile, Chris Dodd and Dennis Kucinich can't get a glass of water in an IHOP, and Tom Vilsack's attempt to win the White House was as successful as Barbaro's attempt to win the Preakness Stakes. The conclusion is that in order to rally your potential voters, your best bet is to declare that you aren’t a candidate.

Al Gore has already said—repeatedly—that he has no intention of running in 2008, but his supporters continue to debate his verb conjugations and consult their Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, and the result is always “reply hazy, try again.” We will probably see the inner Gore more clearly after An Inconvenient Truth wins the Oscar for best documentary tomorrow night.

So let’s forget about Gore for the moment and talk about General Wesley Clark.

Clark’s political action committee, WesPAC, has launched a Web site, StopIranWar.com, on which General Clark makes an eloquent case for diplomacy rather than military action against Iran, and asks visitors to sign a petition to the President.

General Clark’s advice is sound, and the petition is totally pointless.

George W’s approval rating has gone from 90% to 31%, and Dick Cheney’s is around 29%. Throw in the margin of error and their approval ratings are about the same as Vladimir Putin’s. They are clearly not obsessed with public opinion, and they have no reason to be since neither is running for reelection.

It’s already obvious that most people think the Iraq war wasn’t worth it, most people think the troops should be withdrawn, and most people are against the “surge.” Moreover, CNN and CBS polls already show that a majority favor diplomacy over military action in Iran. Has any of this mattered? No, so is one more petition really likely to have any effect?

Of course not, and General Clark knows it. But as a potential candidate for President, Clark has an advantage—unlike Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd and John Edwards, he didn’t vote in favor of the 2002 Iraq Resolution, so he can’t be accused of flip-flopping. He doesn’t have to say he made a mistake.

So, assuming that General Clark has seen the polls, knows which way the wind is blowing, and knows that the Bush administration couldn’t care less about public opinion, why start a petition? There’s only one possible answer. Oh, you're way ahead of me.

Unfortunately, General Clark’s arrow is aimed at the wrong target. In these times, the deadliest arrow in the quiver is a checkbook. Don’t bother petitioning the President, General Clark, petition the senators on the appropriations committee.

(Here's the link to the Senate Appropriations Committee: http://appropriations.senate.gov/index.cfm)

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You Must Be At Least 18

To enter this site, you must be at least 18 years old. Are you at least 18 years old?

(a) Yes
(b) No

You don’t look it. Really?

(a) Yes
(b) No

Oh, come on.

(a) No, really!

Fine. Answer this: which one of Charlie’s Angels was the “smart” one?

(a) Shirley Jackson
(b) Kate Jackson
(c) Andrew Jackson
(d) Tito Jackson

I still don’t believe you. Match these unfortunate Presidential quotations to the correct President:

(a) “I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.”
(b) “Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.”
(c) “You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent.”
(d) “I would have made a good Pope.”

(1) Richard M. Nixon
(2) Richard M. Nixon
(3) Richard M. Nixon
(4) Richard M. Nixon

All right, that was correct. What’s the difference between “Abscam” and “Absolutely Fabulous?”

(a) None. Both featured way too many polyester suits.

Right again. What is celebrated on April 22?

(a) Earth Day
(b) Doris Day

Are you really over 18?

(a) Yes.
(b) Let me tell you what I’m wearing.

Like sushi? I know a place that makes awesome tekka-maki.

(a) Pick me up in 30 minutes.
(b) Bring the umeshu.

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Addresses Shareholders

CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing Addresses Shareholders, Announces Plans for Canterbury Tales Makeover.

1 hour 18 minutes ago

Grande Bouche, NJ -- The CEO of Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing has just concluded his annual address to shareholders and is at this moment giving an informal lecture on the difference between riesling and pinot gris. The address to I-Grape shareholders ended with a surprising announcement of an ambitious plan to remake Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, and the electricity in the air was palpable. Here are some of the highlights of the CEO’s address:

“It’s been another good year for Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing, and we’ve had some great successes. Show me a driver in this country who doesn’t have a copy of The Importance of Properly Inflated Tires. I’m particularly proud of the success we’ve had with 1001 Uses for Oatmeal That You’ve Never Considered. And our e-publishing division recently launched a new Web site for healthcare consumers, www.howtoapplyaband-aid.com.” (Applause.)

“Nevertheless, we at Imaginary Grapefruit Publishing recognize that some of our titles are not selling as well as they used to, and need to be updated. That’s why the first project on our editorial calendar for the new year is a makeover of The Canterbury Tales. This property has done well for us over the past 600 years, and we think it still has legs. ‘The Wife of Bath’s Tale’ always gets high marks in consumer satisfaction surveys. But ‘The Reeve’s Tale,’ ‘The Franklin’s Tale,’ ‘The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale,’ and ‘The Manciple’s Tale’— they’re so 1386. Really, what is a manciple? You tell me. We need some fresh ideas.”

“We’ve received permission from Chaucer’s estate to update these laggards with exciting new tales that we think will revitalize the entire Canterbury franchise. The first releases will be ‘The Personal Investment Counselor’s Tale,’ ‘The Satellite Dish Installer’s Tale,’ ‘The Congressional Page’s Tale,’ and ‘The Graphic Novelist’s Tale.’” (Applause.)

“We expect to have iPod compatible downloads of the new Canterbury Tales available by Q3. Enjoy the reception, and please take one of the Chaucer bobblehead figurines on your way out. Thank you.” (Standing ovation.)

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